One More Secret
by DemonKittyAngel
Summary: The A-Listers have always known how to keep a secret whether for themselves or others. A retelling of Season One from the A-Listers POV. In which Paulina chews her nails, Dash is gay, and everyone notices something is different about Fenton after his accident. Or: The A-Listers are real people with real lives - and who ever said those were perfect?
1. 1 Nails

_I own nothing but the plot and my ideas of who these characters are/could be._

 _Also, I hate cardboard cutouts and needed to make them real people._

* * *

Paulina had always been a beautiful child. She'd won several of those baby and toddler photo contests and for as long as she could remember it was a fact that she was prettier than everyone around her.

She loved her raven hair and starlight eyes, her cherub smile and dancer's legs – but there was one thing she couldn't stand.

She was three when the idea of beauty made her preen and spin for the adults just to hear their praise but more than that, she wanted to understand. Everyone loved smiles and Paulina had an extra nice one. Her hair was like her mother's, silky and strong. She was told over and over what a perfect, beautiful little angel she was.

Until she found something wrong.

Nails were disgusting. They stuck to the end of her fingers, semi-transparent and turning the skin underneath pink in contrast to the smooth mocha caramel that contrasted perfectly with her sapphire eyes. The ends grew out a hideous off-white that clearly showed where her fingertips ended with a jagged line of dirt she could never get rid of while on the other end a vile ridge of skin grew over the end trying to swallow the offending scale.

So she tried to get rid of them.

When her mother first caught sight of Paulina chewing her nails down to get rid of the ugly overhang, she'd been giving a short lecture not to do that. The second and third times her mother was stern. By the time Paulina turned five and still hadn't stopped, her mother took physical measures to make her stop: she dipped Paulina's fingernails in vinegar to discourage her. The fact that the reason she bit them in the first place was that nails were disgusting was only exasperated by the vinegar. Manicurists filed her nails to the quick before putting a clear coat to protect them. Paulina could be found glaring at her nails for days until they grew out enough to start biting again.

It was when she was six that she finally tore half of her nail clean off. It hurt. Her sensitive skin was stung by the fresh air and her cuticles were bloody and raw – trying to clamp down on something that wasn't there. But it was better. Her finger would heal and then it would be just as smooth as the rest of her skin and then it would be pretty - just like the rest of her.

Her parents had been horrified and taken her to a psychologist. Upon his recommendation, her parents proceeded to buy stick-ons. They were pink with silver fireworks and for the first time, nails were pretty. She admired them day after day and when they grew out a bit and she could see the disgusting plastic plated pink of her regular nails, she tried to rip them out, starting from the base.

She'd made a bloody mess of three of her fingers before her mother caught her and rushed her first to the doctor and then back to the psychiatrist. This time when the night sky was applied to her delicate fingertips it came with instructions to replace them in two weeks and once her nail had grown back, Paulina could learn to paint them herself.

So that's what she did. A cosmetologist was hired to teach Paulina everything she knew about hair care, skin care, and, most importantly, nails.

The only people privy to her bad habit outside of her parents was her enforced childhood playmate Samantha Manson. She and Sam disliked each other from their first meeting and only tolerated each other because that was their station in life. Their parents were both rich socialites who necessitated the best behavior from their children at any social gathering to make their parents look better. Being the same age, they were pushed together to be good friends so that no matter who they were married off to a strong bond would unite their families.

The two of them were forced into lessons on etiquette, pedigree, and personal safety side by side for years and it wasn't until Paulina was seven that she realized that Sam (as she insisted on being called) was 'other' and someone she should put up appearances for. At that point it was too late to hide her bad habit.

Middle school came around and social status was about to overtake similar likes and dislikes. Sam had made it a habit to disappear from social functions as much as possible ages ago so, even among other students with socialite parents, she wasn't particularly well known.

It went without saying that they avoided each other like the plague at school.

It was the day before they entered Casper Junior High that Sam decided to strike a deal. "At school, I don't want anyone to know I'm rich." That was different. Paulina had assumed that they would avoid each other as usual but to hide the fact that you had money entirely? Paulina couldn't understand it. People liked money and having money meant she could impress her friends. Why not tell them?

Paulina glared over crossed arms at the budding goth. "Not that I'd ever talk about you in the first place, but why should I?" Animosity hung heavy in the air. Paulina didn't need to understand Sam's reasoning to know that she had just been given a weapon.

"Because if you let that slip, I might just 'slip' and let everyone know the real reason you wear nail polish." One hand was on her hip and every inch of her said that she'd do it.

Her eyes narrowed in contempt. That was playing dirty and they both knew it. "So all I have to do is never mention that we've met outside of school? Never bring up that our parents know each other or that we share even remotely similar social status and you'll forget about my nails? You'll never tell a soul?"

"Yes."

"Like I would have mentioned I was forced to associate with you, anyway." The latina scoffed.

Their eyes held in a strong understanding. Paulina may not have liked Sam but so many years of forced company meant the girls knew each other. Sam wasn't simply asking her to ignore her at school, she was asking Paulina to ostracize her; to help push her as far away from her parents' world as she could get and in exchange, Paulina's secret went to the grave.

It was less than two hours into the new school year when the girls passed each other in the hall. "There's that Manson girl. It's like she's gotten even more lame. Who wears that much black?"

Sam stopped and glared back at her. "It's called 'Goth'. It's a movement."

"It's called 'no sense of style', Loser." And with that, Paulina spun away, Star following closely behind. As she rounded the corner, their eyes caught and that was enough to say they were both satisfied with the arrangement.

Six and a half weeks later, the worst happened.

It was an accident but Paulina's fingers got caught in a closing door. It hurt, but that was nowhere near enough to explain her impending breakdown at the sight of the scratched nail polish and, on her ring finger: broken nail. All she could do was stare. She didn't know if she would scream or if she would skip straight to trying to tear the hideous thing off her finger.

There was barely any comprehension as she was roughly grabbed by her upper arm and dragged to the bathroom. "Hold on a minute." Whoever had brought her there started rifling through their backpack. "Breathe Paulina. We're going to fix this." A set of acrylic nails in pink with small rhinestones was shoved in front of her face.

Taking a gasping breath, she focused on the salvation she was being offered. It took her a couple moments to drag her attention to her savior. Sam Manson: the girl who mutually wanted nothing to do with her.

"We have a deal. You keep everyone from the popular crowd away from me and no one finds out about your nails." She waved the package around again. "I thought something might happen so I've been prepared."

That was all that was said before the goth went about the tedious process of treating the injured fingers, removing the old nail polish, cutting them all down to match, filing any rough edges, and then gluing on the fakes.

As her nails were drying, Paulina felt reason returning to her. Sam had gone above and beyond to help her keep her secret. Carrying a miniature manicure set was not something the girl would ever do for herself and spending so much time and effort on getting it just right (and Paulina of all people knew how much effort it was to get it _just right_ ) was mind-boggling.

Did her paltry insults truly mean that much to this girl?

She couldn't bear to look the other girl in the eye as she muttered, "Thank you."

Eyes fixed on the (almost) perfect pink nails, she saw Sam shrug in her peripheral. "It's fine. I know how much it means to you. And what you do means the same to me." Paulina looked up at her in disbelief - the first time her gaze had moved from her nails in over an hour. "I mean it. I'm not you - I'm not some little princess who wants to be flocked all over. Having you against me puts me as far away from that as I can get and it lets me be myself. It means a lot." She offered a small, half shrug.

Holding Sam's gaze, Paulina can see nothing but conviction. She didn't truly understand but, for this event alone, she'd ostracize the goth all she wanted. She would draw a line so clearly, everyone would scoff at the idea of Sam Manson being 'one of them'.

Besides, she meant every word she said. Sam was a loser and one good deed didn't make her Paulina's best buddy.

Sam Manson was her childhood playmate and honorable beyond belief.

She was still a creepy, goth, know-it-all Loser.

* * *

 _*Whew!*_

 _That was a lot of work! So, I retconned this chapter (for old readers) to better match the quality and tone of the rest and will be retconning chapters as I go._

 _Thank you so much for reading and giving this story a shot! ^.^_

 _(Completely irrelevant, but I love nails. I grow my own out long and simply file them to have nice round edges. I think they're great so it was kinda fun to describe them from an opposite view point. ^^)_


	2. 2 Teddy Bears

It was always the Teddy Bears.

Paulina first visits Dash's room when they're twelve. It hadn't been planned and he hadn't remembered his Teddy Bear collection until they were already in the upstairs hall. He panicked but before he could even try to make an excuse for Paulina not to go in there, she had opened the door.

It was a fairly standard room. Closet with sliding doors, twin bed, dresser, desk with laptop and assorted junk; and then there was Dash's 'Comfy Corner'. This involved a giant black bean bag and his collection of twenty-seven Teddy Bears. All named and with personally assigned back stories. Multi colored, costumed, standard, and unique. He had all sorts and sizes.

It had started when he was a toddler. Bobu was given to him by his doting grandmother Bailey and had been Dash's constant companion ever since. He dragged the green bear on adventures, watched his favorite shows with him, and shared his favorite snacks.

For his fourth birthday, his parents let him pick whatever he wanted from the toy store and he acquired his second bear: Walter. While Bobu was an adventurous bear who wanted to explore the world, Walter was a tan fellow with floppy limbs who solved mysteries.

The next year, when he threw his first big birthday party, it was Whinnie-the-Pooh themed and he received not just one, but three bears. Another from his Grandma Bailey, a Pooh Bear from his parents, and one from his best friend Brayden. This one was his favorite out of all his presents. It was small and purple and had a small tag attached to its ear proclaiming it 'Mike: Loves hugs, soccer, and popcorn.'

He received his sixth bear for graduating kindergarten and his seventh one for getting good grades on his first ever report card in first grade. His mother found his love of the bears adorable and was always looking for new bears to interest her son. The crowning jewel was Delilah. She had been his seventh birthday present. Bigger than he was and so soft, he turned Delilah into his bed for the next week. Even when he rolled off, he wasn't deterred. She and her eleven friends were his most prized possessions.

It's in third grade that he starts getting an allowance. It's only three dollars a week and Dash knows exactly what he wants! He asks his parents to take him to the toy store right away! He knows where they keep the bears by heart and after careful consideration he picks out a black one with a green letterman jacket. He proudly shows his choice to his parents who explain that the bear is more than three dollars and he will have to save his money.

Dash pouts but he listens carefully as his dad explains that for a fifteen dollar bear he will have to save his allowance for five weeks. It's a crazy amount of time for the eight year old. To make sure that the bear is still there, his parents have the store manager put it aside so he can buy it when he's saved up all of his money.

Dash tries - he really does! - to save every bit of his allowance but he can't resist the pull to buy his own candy bars now and then and it takes him eight weeks to save up seventeen dollars. He presents the amount to his parents with pride and they quickly go to purchase Marcus. When he asks his parents about Marcus's fancy jacket, he decides that he wants a letterman of his own. That summer he's signed up for both soccer (in honor of his purple bear, Mike) and football (in honor of his dad).

It's on his tenth birthday that his parents give him a football and a new bike. He looks at his presents in confusion. He loves the presents but, where's his bear? He always gets a bear for his birthday. So where is it?

He asks and his parents frown at each other. He's sat down and his mother asks him, "Aren't you getting a bit old for teddy bears?"

Dash doesn't understand the question. Too old for his Teddy Bears? There was no such thing. They were his Bears and he would never outgrow them. Telling his parents this earned him more frowns.

"Most boys your age don't keep a lot of stuffed animals. Don't you think it's time to let go." It's phrased as a question but Dash could tell it wasn't one. He argued with his parents. Fought them. For the first time, he ran to his room, slammed the door, and buried his face in Delilah's stomach as he cried.

It's a month later that his friend Grey starts talking about this awesome skateboard collection he's starting. Dash, always loving the limelight, declared he's been collecting Teddy Bears his whole life and now has nineteen of them.

His friends gave him strange looks.

"Are you gay?" Chris asked with a hint of disgust and Dash scowls at him. Gay? Of course he isn't! He's into action heroes and kung fu and sports just like all the other boys. He just has a Teddy Bear collection.

"That's really weird." Voiced Seth and the other kids agree.

Things are never the same between him and his friends after that. He never mentions his bears again but something has irrevocably changed. He finally starts to consider that it's strange to collect Teddy Bears. He's a boy after all.

It's at the end of fifth grade that he gets dared to ask out the ever popular Trish Newman. He said he didn't want to and so Jesse, a boy who'd never spoken up about the bear incident before, called him a fag. Dash tried explaining that he just didn't want to go on a date with Trish (who he knew had a crush on Seth) but other kids took up the call. He didn't even realize he'd thrown the punch until he feels an unfamiliar sting in his knuckles and Jesse is holding his nose on the ground.

He's given detention for the first time in his life and his parents are called in. That night he had another talk with them about his Bears. Dash is so angry (Because he knows he's not gay!) that he picks up one of his bears, Tania (a blue one he'd bought just two months ago) and pulls back his arm to throw her.

He holds, and holds, and finally relaxes and brings Tania in front of him. It's not Tania's fault. It's not any of their fault and the thought of actually throwing any of them at the wall makes his heart ache even more than his friends' teasing.

He loves his bears and he doesn't understand why that's so wrong.

He gets in a couple more fights before the year finishes so the next year, his parents decided he should attend the middle school on the other side of town.

Dash decided he needed to build a reputation. He needed to be big and bad so the other kids wouldn't even think of making fun of him. He started by joining sports and then making friends with the 'right' sort of people. His family wasn't rich but they're certainly above average so it wasn't hard to appeal to the popular crowd along with his looks and athleticism.

His biggest ally came in the form of the Queen Bee, Paulina Sanchez. They hit it off around October and by November he wasn't just a popular kid, he was one of the elite.

It was at the winter dance that he had his first kiss. They left the gym to hang out in an empty classroom and decided to play spin the (soda) bottle. The rules were you have to kiss whoever the bottle pointed at, boy or girl. And if it's pointing back at you, you better get a mirror.

The first two kisses left the participants blushing and a few giggles traveled throughout the group before things got interesting. Hayden spins himself and using the borrowed mirror from Star, he put on a ridiculous show of trying to make out with himself. It left everyone laughing and in good spirits as Paulina reached out for her turn. She landed on Taylor and despite the general disappointment, a goading 'oohhh...' quickly rose as she went for it. The two girls kissed, holding their lips together for two whole seconds. They parted to a series of catcalls and laughter.

Dash was next and he mentally crossed his fingers that the bottle would land on Paulina. Not because he liked her (although she was very pretty), but because this wais his first kiss and she's a good friend he'd feel a lot more comfortable kissing than some of the girls he only really knows by name. Star would be ok. He knew Star.

Luck was not on his side as it came to a stop on Raena. She was in his history class and was on the basketball team, but that's all he knew about her. The kiss was awkward and he pulled away blushing. Did he do it right? It didn't feel special. Is it because he doesn't like her? Is he bad at this?

Raena turned to her friend on her right and gave a small 'squee' that made several of the guys cringe. There was good natured laughter and a couple dudes patted him on the back. "Looks like you may have gotten yourself a girlfriend." A girlfriend? Raena? But shouldn't things feel really special with someone you're dating? Kissing Raena had just felt strange.

They cycled all the way back to Hayden through a series of catcalls, one more mirror make out (less spectacular than the first) and two more girls kissing when the bottle pointed towards Dash for the first time.

His heart seemed to be in his throat and he could hear it in his ears. It was much less taboo for two girls to kiss then for two guys but in typical Hayden fashion, he went for it full force. Offering a saucy smirk that made Dash's heart flutter, he quickly swooped in on Dash's lips and started moving his own. Eyes wide, Dash took a moment to process before trying to move his lips like Hayden's.

Just when he thought he might be getting the hang of this, Hayden pulled back and Dash was left stunned.

"Gross, dude!" Aaron exclaimed and Hayden simply laughed.

"The rule was whoever it lands on. If the girls gotta do it, we do too." He jovially stated with a smirk.

Dash tried to tear his eyes away from that smirk. Those lips. The way those lips had moved against his. What they had made him feel; it was like he'd turned into melting butter. Did he like Hayden? He didn't think so. Hayden was a friend. Was it because he knew him better than Raena? He glanced at said girl before looking at Paulina. He knew Paulina very well. He focused on the idea of kissing her but didn't get the same pulling sensation in his chest that he had when Hayden had learned in...

He shook off the thought and put it aside for later. Paulina went one last time (kissing basketball captain Trey Mildow) before the game was called to a close and the group made their way back to the dance.

That night, leaned up against Delilah, Dash pulled his best listener bear, Kumo, into his lap. He talked to try and sort out the experience. He examined his feelings between the two kisses, the two people, and even tried imagining different people from around the school. He came to one horrifying conclusion: he was more interested in maybe kissing a few of the boys than some of the girls.

The nagging in the back of his mind told him that it was any girl and not just 'some' but, he wasn't ready to face that.

Monday had never held so much dread. With the newfound knowledge that he wasn't 'normal' it was more important than ever to be big and strong and to like girls. But his mind wouldn't focus and his eyes would wander. What would it be like to date a boy? His heart gave a skip and he kicked the feeling down. No. He wouldn't do that.

He looked at each of his classmates, male and female, and tried to picture dating someone as a whole. He knew he was in trouble about half way through his math class.

Ryan was on the track team. He had fluffy blonde hair that floated around his ears, a lithe build, and was not feminine in the least. But the idea of kissing those slightly chapped, pink lips snuck into his mind and it stayed.

It was Wednesday by the time he couldn't take it anymore and needed to _do_ something. They crossed paths in the hall and bumped into each other. Ryan was friendly but Dash kept forcing himself to tear his gaze from those lips. And everything, the questioning himself, the revelation from the previous week, and his hard earned popularity came to a boil. "Move it, Loser." he declared with a growl.

Ryan blinked in shock but stepped to the side. Dash's heart felt like it might beat out of his chest. Had he really just done that? Sure, he had made fun of people among his friends but outside of Paulina and Manson (who seemingly existed to stand against everything Paulina) they generally didn't have confrontations with people they didn't like.

That one action turned the school on its head over night. Suddenly, it wasn't just Paulina making barbed comments and the popular crowd wasn't just who everyone wanted to hang out with, it was a force to be feared and respected. Within a week the new dynamic was apparent everywhere. If the popular crowd approved of you, everyone wanted a piece. And if the popular crowd didn't like you, you were avoided.

And it all came back to Ryan. It was the following Thursday that Dash caught the track athlete being cornered outside of his locker. Three of Dash's friends from football were cornering him and he felt a rock land in his stomach. This wasn't just teasing, it was bullying. Had they all turned into bullies?

He went over to break it up and then he caught sight of Ryan and those forest green eyes were focused on him. His heart sped up and he forgot all about the bullying that might have been taking place because he had Ryan's attention. Dash could be his hero. And then they could hang out and maybe...

Dash roughly shook off the image of those pink lips meeting his own and scowled. It would never happen and it was Ryan's damn fault for being so... so...

He didn't find an answer. (He knew there wasn't one.) So instead of saving him, like he'd truly meant to do, Dash cornered him further. He sneered at him. Called him a loser. (Regretted everything.) But there was a certain thrill in the way Ryan's attention was focused solely on him. The way his eyes shimmered (in hurt and anger) allowed Dash to imagine them shining in a different way.

Even if there was no way now. Not after he'd bullied him.

It became routine. A couple times a week he'd corner Ryan by his locker and make snide comments when they passed in the hall. When he caught sight of the track athlete across the way and didn't make any contact, Dash hated himself. Those eyes weren't as bright as they used to be. The laughs came less often. And it was because of him. Those addictive few moments of attention couldn't be worth this.

His stomach squirmed as part of him said it was.

He was lost in thought, fighting out what was right and wrong and knowing it was all because he was messed up and trying to understand why he was messed up just because he liked boys and teddy bears. As his mental debate went nowhere, his frustration mounted and when someone put a hand on his shoulder asking if he was ok, he snapped and threw a punch. He didn't mean to–

Didn't want to hurt anyone–

His frustrations just needed somewhere to go and–

His thoughts were cut off as a fist impacted his cheek. There was no thought involved as he threw himself into the first fight and Dash was relieved. For the first time in weeks, he wasn't thinking.

The fight earned detention for both of them and phone calls home. That night Dash's parents tried to talk to him about why he was so angry, why was he in a fight. Dash refused to answer.

"Is it about your bears again? You don't need them Dash. Everything would be easier if you just got rid of them!" His mother beseeches and he's completely caught off guard.

His bears? What did any of this have to do with his bears?

He asked (screaming angrily) what his bears could possibly have to do with this when his mother screamed back, "They make you look gay!"

"I am gay!"

Silence.

He couldn't decipher the look on his mother's face and his father watched both of them from the side. "Go to your room." She ordered with steel in her voice.

"Mom-" he tried but was cut off.

"I said, go to your room." There was anger burning her words and Dash tried to explain himself.

"Mom-"

"I did not raise a faggot!"

Dash could feel his heart shatter at those words. His mother broke the stare between them, turning her head to the side and raising a hand to her mouth.

Dash ran. He slammed into his room and barricaded the door with his desk. Everything was scattered and a lot of his stuff ended up on the floor. He didn't care. He lunged at his bears and cried his heart out. His mother called him a faggot. His mother hated him because he was gay.

He heard his parents yelling downstairs and buried his head in Delilah's stomach and covered his ears. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to hear anything.

The front door slammed and one of the cars tore off down the street. Dash cried harder.

Were his parents getting divorced because of him? Did he ruin everything? Why did he have to be gay! Why did he have to be such a freak!?

He sat up and angrily wiped his tears away. Maybe his mom was right. Maybe it was the bears. He should have gotten rid of them a long time ago. Then he wouldn't have been gay, his mom wouldn't have hated him, and his family would have all been together! It was all the fault of these damn bears!

He pulled his fist back to punch them but, he just couldn't. It wasn't right. It didn't even make sense. He wasn't gay because he collected Teddy Bears. He was gay because he liked boys and what he owned had nothing to do with it.

And Dash loved his Teddy Bears.

So he put his fist down, turned his Teddy Bears into a nest, and fell into an uneasy sleep.

Dash groaned as he tried to stretch sore muscles and aching limbs. Why was he sleeping on the floor? Why did he hurt so much? As the tapping on his door came again, the events of the last day rushed back to him. Slowly picking himself up, he caught sight of his alarm clock on top of his dresser. Who was knocking on his door at one in the morning?

With the limited light from his window, Dash carefully picked his way towards to door and moved the desk just far enough to crack the door open. Who was it? What did they have to say? Was he ready to hear it?

"Hey champ." his dad greeted in a whisper. He looked tired and worn in a way Dash didn't recognize. "I - Well, I'm sorry about earlier. Your mother... just didn't know what to think. But, I want you to know, that you're still my son, and I love you."

And then a teddy bear was being offered through the small crack of the door. It was rainbow with a golden bow around its neck and he could feel tears gathering again. He pushed the desk away from his door (making even more of a mess), swung it open, and threw himself into his father's arms. He didn't ruin everything. His father still loved him and he could keep his bears and be accepted for who he was.

When he calmed down, he took the bear from his father and decided that this one would always be special.

"Your mother will come around. You know how she is about things being just right but, I need you to know that she loves you. She just needs time to adjust."

Dash nodded even though he wasn't sure he believed that but desperately wanted to.

The next day, he went back to school and the dynamics had changed again. Everyone was wary of him. It was no longer just taunting; the silent ok for physical action had been given and everyone was waiting for Dash's next move.

He went to class. He passed by Ryan without a word and went to class.

At lunch they held a private meeting. Paulina signaled that only the elites were to be there so they cleared the outside benches for their exclusive use. Paulina, Dash, Star, Taylor, Hayden, Becky and Georgie exchanged serious glances as they brought up the issue: the popular kids were becoming bullies.

Taylor was adamant that this was not something she wanted to take part in while Georgie argued that it was their right as top dog. Hayden pointed out that it didn't matter. It was already happening and what they needed to decide now was what to do about it. Obviously it wasn't going to just go away.

Becky suggested that they draw lines in the sand about what was going too far and shun anyone who crossed those lines. Paulina insisted that they couldn't bully any of the popular kids. Georgie asked if breaking someone's clarinet was going too far – they were just so annoying.

Dash wanted to disappear. This was because of him. But, for that same reason, he forced himself to pay attention. Hayden was right. What was done, was done. The social order had changed and all that was left to do was face it head on.

Different ideas were thrown around until Paulina made a ruling. They would make an unspoken guidebook of what went too far. They would all meet up at Paulina's house after school to hash out the details but for now, they were all to watch out for straight up violence. They weren't a group of thugs so no one should sink to that level.

That night, they went over as many scenarios as they could think of. A little shoving was ok, but shoving someone into someone else was not. (What if you hit someone cool?) Cornering someone was fine but no starting a fight. Tripping... that was debated before being tentatively allowed. Straight up punching or kicking was banned.

Online… was complicated.

Star insisted they put clear boundaries on the things people could or couldn't say. Calling someone a loser or making fun of them a little was ok. Those were minor. But viciously attacking someone for being who they were was not ok. If someone were gay for instance (and Dash panicked because if she was bringing it up she must know and now he was the one who was going to be bullied), you couldn't attack them for it. There was a difference between being a bully and being a monster. Or did they want kids to end up dead?

Dash looked at Star in a new light. She was against persecuting people for simply being who they were. She wanted to make sure nothing went too far. She didn't hate gays.

Once it was brought up, the question of when enough was enough was highly debated. They'd all been forced through those anti-suicide and cyber bullying videos. They were just trying to put losers in their place; not drive someone to kill themselves.

They did a search on Paulina's laptop for 'signs of depression' and decided that if people started exhibiting symptoms, it was time to move on. Taylor decided to look up more and present the information in a couple weeks. Hayden volunteered to assist.

Georgie took great pleasure in the idea of being an enforcer. If anyone took it too far, it was his job to turn the tables.

Becky and Paulina decided to rank everyone in school, A-F, to decide who was off-limits or prime targets.

Star sat stonily on the plum couch across the room, unwilling to speak to any of them.

And Dash, Dash wanted to bury his head in his hands and pretend this never happened. He was supposed to lead by example. Show what was ok and who they should go after. Paulina had given him the names of a few dweebs that he could pick from but they all knew,this would be Dash's choice. And his choice so far, had been Ryan.

Ryan, who didn't smile like he used to. Ryan, who walked with eyes on the floor and shoulders hunched. Ryan, who never raised his hand in class anymore. Ryan, who Dash couldn't look at without guilt but also couldn't stay away from the brief thrill of taking up his entire world.

Dash felt sick to his stomach.

As he neared home, he found he could no longer put off thoughts of his mother. He'd skipped breakfast so that he was sure not to see her this morning, but it was dinner time. They'd talk to each other, right?

There was no talking at dinner outside of his father's forced attempts. Nor would that change in the next few weeks.

Dash buried his pain over his mother's rejection deep and focused on putting those uppity losers in their place. He shoved, he tripped, and he made sure everyone knew he was top dog. Nothing was wrong there. At school, he was King. Peasants scurried out of his path and he owned the hallways. He thrived on the power he held and if, a very small if, he felt smaller than an ant as he walked home because he knew that he could be the one teased, that he was the one who was abnormal –

Something his own mother couldn't love–

Well, that was nobody's business. Not even his own.

A week and a half later they were back at Paulina's. Taylor and Hayden had made a PowerPoint to demonstrate different signs of depression and how important it was to catch it early. They also explained triggers, thresholds, how different people might react to being threatened, and how if they stepped on a landmine, they needed to stop what they were doing and back off. Those were the dangerous moments.

Next was the official lists from Becky and Paulina. It had all six-hundred and thirteen students of the school. The A-List had only their names, B-List had all the other popular students, and C-List was the longest: it held all the students who were neither popular nor losers and was at least half of the student body. The D-List contained most of the nerds, geeks, and freaks. The ones they'd mainly be going after. The F-List contained ten names. Ten students almost universally considered 'weird' and unsociable.

The people on the F-List were open season being universally shunned already. Taylor mentioned that they should watch them closely since they were most likely to become depressed. Becky countered with a final sheet of paper containing just seven names.

"I actually took that into consideration. Paulina and I poked around and we found the people who seem to be having a hard time already. These are people who are having trouble at home or just in general." Becky's eyes glinted like knives as she stared down the room. "This list _never_ leaves this room. Under no circumstances should you bother these people and if you know someone who should be on this list, add them. If things seem really bad, anonymously tip off a teacher. Don't try to fix it yourself. You could make things worse or even send them over the edge."

Loaded silence filled the room as the enormity of what could happen settled over them. All these tells to look out for, all these mysterious circumstances they couldn't change, fellow students who were already on the edge…

They went their separate ways with heavy thoughts.

Two and a half months later, right before spring break, the lists were leaked. They'd been updated once a month and had just been fixed up last week. The A-List now included Kwan (who was quickly becoming his best friend after Paulina) and Dash was glad he was on there.

Outrage rang through the entire school and when it was found that Becky made the list (even though she swore she wasn't the leak) all the A-Listers are summoned to the principal's office.

They were reprimanded for encouraging unfair hierarchy and assigned essays on why class systems encouraged discrimination. Becky's parents were called in and the rest of them were sent back to class.

Dash didn't see a big problem. So the lists got out. So what? The E-List was still safely at Paulina's house and while there were a few dirty looks from people who thought they should rank higher, most people were ignoring the whole thing. It's not like they were dictating who belonged to which group; it was just a fact that some people were cooler than others.

When he got home he did his homework, called Kwan about hanging out over break, and asked about ideas for the essay. Taking the suggestion of searching for 'class systems in school', he started clicking through links, disappointed that Wikipedia didn't have an article on this.

He was just about to start reading the articles he'd brought up when a soft knock came from the door of the home office.

"Dash..." the soft voice of his mother caused him to spin around in shock. His mother hadn't directly said a word to him since [That Word]

Well, since that night.

She stood in the doorway, hands behind her back, glancing between him and the floor. "I... I know that I was... harsh. Before. And I... I still don't think that... _that_... is alright. But... You're my son." She looked him in the eye. "You're my son and I love you."

And with that, she pulled a teddy bear from behind her back. It was brown and held a big purple heart that said, 'I'm sorry'.

Things weren't alright but, looking between the bear and his mother, Dash thought they could be someday.

He put his new bear next to the one from his dad. Two bears representing how two people had reacted to him being gay. One with rainbow acceptance, and one with reluctance.

Things got better. Both at home and at school.

Meals were held as a family again and while his mother still wanted him to be normal and have a girlfriend, she made it clear that he wasn't going to be disowned.

Paulina was the exclusive keeper of the lists (with Becky's constant help to keep them up to date) and Dash found different ways to use his power; both for himself and for his friends. He got comfortable with his role in the school.

Having felt secure for the past few months, Dash had forgotten about what sparked all his fear in the first place: his Teddy Bears and what would happen if it got out he was gay. He half spluttered a series of excuses as Paulina calmly turned to him.

"I chew my nails."

And Dash is dumbfounded. Paulina chews her nails? But… they always look perfect! And isn't that kinda gross? Like a nervous thing? Paulina, nervous? He just couldn't comprehend what she was talking about but what he understood, without a doubt, was that this was a secret; one that the Queen Bee would never reveal just because and Dash calmed down. She didn't care about his secrets. So neither would he.

"I'm gay."

She stared him in the eye for a moment before sitting on his bed, pulling out her history notes, and proclaiming, "I don't see why we need to make a whole presentation on the Aztecs. They can't be that important if they're all dead."

And just like that, normalcy resumed.

Dash had never felt so accepted.

Nor had his Teddy Bears.

* * *

 _Wow. This… got away from me. It was gonna be short but then I got caught up on the bears and then his journey of self discovery took a lot of time and then his need to be popular and finally, the bullying. Paulina was so much more straight. Dash, especially as he is in canon, is not the kind of person I understand._

 _The original draft of this chapter had all sorts of justifications for how I view bullying. Over a lot of rereads and meeting new people, I realized the conflict for Dash was between his desire to be on top and feeling like he's dirt. I hope I successfully captured his internal struggle and didn't lose credibility on kids looking out for depression._

 _Star has her reasons._


	3. 3 Jake

_Trigger Warning: Read ahead for full impact, check the bottom for specific warnings._

* * *

Star wasn't the role model for empathy by anyone's standards. She valued her social status, her looks, and her money above feelings of any sort.

So it came as a surprise when she found her thoughts constantly flooded with concern for someone other than herself.

Jake was her favorite cousin. He was three years older than her and lived an hour away. Their parents would meet up at least twice a month so while the adults talked, the two of them would go on adventures.

Or, well, they used to.

Now it seemed that she was being avoided. Not that it was just her - he was avoiding everyone. But the fact that everyone _included_ her; that was a problem.

He had mentioned the year before that he wasn't very popular. It had become apparent by the end of the year that he was being bullied. Star didn't know how to take this. Sure, she'd seen name calling between some of her classmates and Paulina hated that Manson girl but, bullying? Like they show in movies? She'd never seen anything like that.

After several minutes of knocking on his bedroom door resulted in nothing, Star pushed her ear against his door. She could make out muffled music being blasted too loud on headphones and narrowed her eyes in annoyance. He was ignoring her!

Well, that wouldn't be tolerated. Taking a bobby pin out of her bangs, she jimmied his lock and forced her way in.

Jake was propped up with a pillow in the far corner of his room; headphones blasting some indecipherable rock and reading a collection of Garfield comics. "Jake!" She yelled.

Ignored.

"JAKE!"

He glanced up, put down the book, and moved his headphones around his shoulders. "Star, why are you in my room?"

She glared. "You're ignoring me. I know you've been sad, but now you're ignoring me! It's not ok!"

He stared past her shoulder for a moment that lasted entirely longer than it should have before telling her, "Close the door."

After watching him for a few seconds, she relented. Maybe he would finally tell her something.

Sitting across from him, she waited.

"They call me a faggot." He's so straight forward and his inflection is so flat, she almost misses his silent flinch. It's just a small pull at the corner of his lips but, he's not as unaffected as he tries to sound. "I'm not gay. And even if I were, what kind of basis is that for judging someone? You don't hate someone for not liking the same movies as you."

His fists are clenched. The soft blaring of his music sounds unwelcome - like it's a taboo to not have silence at a moment like this.

He talks a little more that day about things they say but mostly, Star sits with him and wonders why they don't like Jake.

Visits take a new turn after that.

Star's routine is to break into his room, listen to everything going wrong in his life, sit with him, try to give a suggestion, listen to his strange 'metal' music, and leave feeling upset and worried.

It changes just after Valentine's day. She doesn't understand what it is, but something is different about Jake. The room smells different. Mustier. And he seems more relaxed in a wrong way. It's like he has no energy to be worried.

The talk that day is dark; exceptionally so. He speaks of death – for himself and others. He speaks of how it must somehow be his fault because it's too frustrating for it to have no cause. He speaks about higher powers who must hate him and past lives that must have sinned. He speaks of pain and suffering that he's received and that he wants to inflict on others.

And Star says nothing; frozen in the panic that she'll say the wrong thing and make it worse.

What would worse even look like? She doesn't ever want to know.

She still goes to his room, but there's fear. She doesn't want to hear all his hatred and pain, but she doesn't stop because she doesn't know if anyone else is listening. His appearance deteriorates until he's a shallow imitation of his former self. Star doesn't like looking at him. It's as if his pain has leeched onto his skin and his life is draining from the inside out.

It's in late March that Jake gives her a plastic bag. He looks her in the eye and she's scared.

"If middle school doesn't go well for you, this can help you forget." His eyes are both desperate and dead as they burrow into her soul. She doesn't want to take it. That broken look, both inside and out, makes her want to run away. But she can't because she knows (in the pit of her heart, she knows) that this is an act of desperation and if she runs now, it will be the end of him.

She takes it and wants so badly to throw it away. Throw away everything it represents. She doesn't understand what it is or why he needs it to forget. And somehow, accepting feels like something final. Something she doesn't understand but is sure is a bad thing.

They're back again the very next weekend and Star drags her feet all the way to his room. She picks the lock but hesitates to open the door. She feels wooden and wants nothing more than to run away. After last week, what did 'worse' look like? Star couldn't see it getting better.

'Worse' should have been 'worst'. What did the 'worst' look like?

Jake was tinged purple with a trail of blood dried underneath his nose. How long had he been lying there knowing no one would come find him? Not that it mattered. Star knew what had happened: he had tried his hardest to forget.

She hoped he had.

The next few months were tense. Her parents didn't see her aunt and uncle as often anymore and Star never had to go with them. In fact, she was told to stay home or was shipped off to Paulina's. She was forced into seeing a psychologist since she 'found the body' but she refused to talk about it the entire hour and instead struck up a (mostly one-sided) conversation about shoes.

She hid the plastic bag in the very back of her vanity drawer in an old tin box.

Next year she would start middle school: the place that killed her cousin.

Being popular was no longer her preference or her right.

It was necessary for survival.

* * *

.

.

.

 _Triggers: Depression, Drugs, Giving drugs to children, Suicide_


	4. 4 Star

He didn't set out to become popular so when he found himself among the elites, he didn't realize at first just how far he'd moved up the social ladder.

His parents weren't rich. They weren't about to file for bankruptcy but, money was consistently tight so they could save as much as possible. They didn't have very prestigious jobs either. His dad was a mailman and his mother a cosmetologist for the local news.

He had two younger siblings that inspired him to be his best every day. They were five and six years younger than him and he knew that he wanted to be the best role model possible for them. So he worked hard in school. He played sports. And he was nice to anyone he came across. After all, being nice to someone meant you would receive kindness back. The world was a great place.

Meeting Dash was like finding a puzzle piece he didn't know he was missing. In a matter of days he went from hanging out with lots of people to hanging out with his blonde friend whenever they had a moment. Within two weeks, he couldn't contemplate not having Dash as his best friend. In a month, he was universally accepted as being one of the elites.

Hayden was hilarious and energetic while Taylor was prim, proper, and poised. Georgie was a bad boy stereotype come to life that escaped being insufferable with his wry humor and hands off attitude. Becky was already planning her campaign for student council president next year. Paulina was shallow yet, welcoming.

And then there was Star. She was beautiful and it took so much effort not to stutter when she would speak directly to him.

When he first caught Dash tripping someone in the hall, it had to have been an accident. When Dash called that same person names the next day, Kwan was in denial. His best friend was not the sort to bully people. Sure, Dash was in every way an alpha male but he was also self assured and didn't need to bring other people down in order to feel good. But once he noticed, he couldn't forget.

He rattled his head for days on how to confront his friend about being a bully and why it was wrong. He believed in Dash, truly. There had to be something else going on. A reason. Kwan grew disheartened as he noticed just how large this bullying ring was.

He finally asked Becky. How should he confront Dash? Why was this so widespread?

She invited him to Paulina's that weekend.

It was his first time at the impressive mansion (or any mansion) so he did his best not to stare. Gathered in the Queen Bee's room, the elites seemed to collectively shed a weight Kwan didn't understand. "Kwan! I didn't know you were coming." Dash exclaims with a glance towards Paulina.

The nervous edge in his voice told Kwan that whatever was going on wasn't supposed to leave this room or these people

"It's ok. " Taylor intercepted. "He's one of us. We were going to have to fill him in at some point."

Dash scowls but doesn't protest. Instead, he flops backwards onto Paulina's king size bed.

Hayden is the last to arrive with a cheerful, "Hello! Didn't mean to keep everyone waiting - I was picking up some last bits of intel at the skate park. Oh, Kwan is here. Did you fill him in yet?"

"No. We were waiting for everyone so that he wasn't hearing just one side of the story." Paulina states.

They explain from the beginning. How there was a little name calling going on, but nothing big. How it had changed when Dash got in a fist fight (which had happened because of 'personal issues') and how they decided to deal with the fallout.

The lists, the planning, the precautions... Kwan was floored. They weren't heroes, but they were protectors. And then there was the E-List. The people they knew were depressed and having serious problems in their lives. The people they kept a silent eye on in case they needed interference. They had only done so once for Marcy Briggs. Taylor had discovered scratch marks on her arms and anonymously reported her for cutting.

Hayden stepped forward with a big smile, crossing a name off said list. "That's why I was late. I was gathering the latest on Scotty. He's not A-ok, but he's on the road to recovery." And that was it. No one talked about what the problems were or dug into these people's private lives. They just evaluated who was and wasn't ok and trusted each other when they said someone should move up or down the lists.

It was amazing. Kwan sat on the couch across the room while the others started discussing how certain people were doing; who had changed in social status, was it the right time to switch targets - he was shell shocked.

Star leaned on the arm next to him, rigidly holding her elbows. "I don't like it. I think bullying is wrong and it shouldn't ever happen." She states and he notices the shadows across her face and the pursed lips that are holding back a frown. She sighs. "But I'm also glad. They make sure it never gets out of hand. Feelings may get hurt, but they keep it under control. No single person is a target. And they don't do it just to feel powerful."

Kwan doesn't know what happened with Star (and he's sure that something has happened) but he can't help feeling admiration towards her. She's put a lot of consideration into just what they're doing and is a constant moral compass to stop things from going too far. He forgets that they're eleven because the scope of this operation seems so far beyond what any of his classmates are doing (as far as he knows) and sees only the amazing woman Star will become.

He knows, in that moment, that he wants to be by her side forever.

It's not too long after that the lists are leaked. Not the E-list though. Everything but the E-list.

The elites are now called 'The A-Listers' and while the rest of it fades away, the eight of them are more singled out than before. Kwan feels uncomfortable with all the attention and wonders if this is how the F-Listers always feel. But most of the F-Listers aren't on the E-List and Kwan admires them. Despite always being singled out, they don't let it get to them. So Kwan decides that he's going to be the same.

Dash seems happier these days even though he doesn't say why and Kwan takes his place next to his best friend is this secret scheme. He notices that sometimes Dash will pay more attention to one target than another, be just a little meaner, but it's never out of control so he doesn't think anything of it.

The following September, he suspected his best friend and Paulina might be dating. After working on a history project together, they seemed even closer and more comfortable with each other than ever and the rumors were rampant. They both denied it and said they were just best friends.

Star and Kwan, both feeling stung at the seeming dismissal, went walking through the park that afternoon. After voicing some complaints Star turns to him with an idea. "We should go out." Kwan's heart seems to both stop and speed up as those words before promptly being crushed. "If they're going to leave us behind, we should leave them behind."

Kwan stares at his shoes. He wants to go out with her. He really does. but not for these reasons. It feels wrong. And he's pretty sure that if he does this, if he starts dating her for some petty reason, it will never be what he truly wants with her. So he takes her hand, and says, "Star, I want to go out with you. I really do. But not like this." Her eyes go wide. "I really like you Star. And I'll wait. I'll wait until you like me too."

They part for the day and Kwan knows that she's thinking. Star is always thinking. It's part of what makes her so amazing.

The next day they're back at Paulina's and Georgie wants a clear explanation of whether the two are dating or not. They aren't.

So what about Star and Kwan?

Well, why would they have to have just one best friend?

Kwan feels silly for feeling replaced. It's true after all. Dash and Paulina have always been close and it was small minded to not even consider that they were best friends.

Valentine's comes around and Kwan feels his heart stuck in his throat. He got cards for all his friends except Star. For her, he had a small heart shaped box with nine chocolates. Will she like it? Is it too much?

He gives it to her after school, away from prying eyes. "I just want you to know that you're special. And I really, really like you."

Star doesn't take it. Instead, she pulls out a bag of conversation hearts. "I'm sorry. About before. I wasn't thinking about how you might feel. So, I was wondering, if we could go out for real?"

Kwan feels like his face is going to rip in two but it's the best feeling he's ever had. His smile says it all to Star and they spend the rest of the afternoon trading conversation hearts and truffles.

Star is a bossy girlfriend. She's jealous and pushes him around but he doesn't care. Every time she doesn't want him to spend time with other people, he can see the fear in her eyes that she'll be forgotten. When she bosses him around, he knows that she doesn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it does. And if he were to ever tell her 'no', he's sure that she would cry. Not because he didn't want to do a certain thing, no, she wasn't bothered by things like that. But because she'd think it's her. That he's tired of her or doesn't like her anymore.

Anything and everything he can do for her makes him happy. So, on a Friday in May, when she stops walking as he carries her backpack home for her, he's worried.

"Star?" he asks, taking notice of the lack of people in this section of the park. "Are you alright?"

"Why don't you hate me?" She asks and Kwan feels like the world was just ripped out from under him. "I'm mean and selfish and I boss you around and it can't be any fun - I certainly wouldn't like it. But you're always smiling and you never tell me that something isn't ok or that I'm being mean to you. Why?"

"Star, I love you." And that only makes it worse.

"How? Why? It doesn't make any sense!" She's crying. Not physically but he can hear it in her voice and feel it in his soul. "I don't deserve this! I don't see why you want me!"

Kwan puts both the backpacks down and gently takes her hands into his own. "I love you." He holds her hands closer when she tries to tug them away. "I love everything about you. I know adults say I'm too young to understand what love is, but I do. I love you. I can't even put it into words. I love your smile. Your laugh. Your humor. Your eyes. I love how you can always distract someone who's having a bad day and take their mind off of things. I admire how you think about the world and don't just take it at face value. I admire your sharp wit and how you always have a different perspective on why someone took certain actions.

"I love your insecurities. I know that you're just scared of me leaving so you hold on tight, and I feel flattered because I know that you want me to stay with you. I don't care if you want things a certain way if I can prove to you that I'm not going anywhere and that nothing will change my mind. It doesn't matter that you're scared I'll leave. I will stay with you until you tell me to leave or until we're dead.

"I can't give just one reason for loving you. It's not the good things or the bad things, the big or small things, it's everything. Every little piece that makes you, you, makes me fall even more in love. I love you Star. And I'll wait for you to understand that."

She's crying for real now, and Kwan simply pulls her to his chest and lets her bawl her eyes out. It doesn't matter if his shirt gets dirty. It doesn't matter that she doesn't believe him yet. He'll be there for her and when she's ready to face her demons, he'll help her.

Their relationship gets better. Star is less bossy and more comfortable with asking him to do things. (Even if it sounds like orders to other people.) She holds herself back when he's hanging out with other people because she's learning to trust that he will always come back.

When he gets hurt playing sports, she learns basic first aid just so she can mend him up. She hands him money before every date so even though it's her cash, it's still him treating her. She speaks up for his opinions even when they don't mirror her own because he's, quote, 'Too nice to disagree with people'. When he sprains his wrist, she takes notes for him in the classes they share and pays people to do it in the classes they don't.

It's not a relationship most people see as fair but their best friends, Paulina and Dash, understand so they don't care. Kwan would be happy just to worship the ground she walks on. So Star wants to be someone worth being worshipped.

It's January in eighth grade that Kwan notices something is seriously wrong. Star is always watching her own reflection with a small frown. She's cataloguing all the angles and checking her size. He doesn't understand what's bothering her but he tells her she's beautiful and tries to make her smile.

When Valentine's comes around again, Star says that she doesn't want chocolates. Kwan knows she's concerned about her weight even if he doesn't think she should be but, it's also their one year anniversary and he wasn't planning on chocolates anyway.

He buys her a dozen red roses (for romantic love), a single pink rose (for admiration, perfect happiness, and 'please believe me'), a singing valentine from the school choir, and writes 'Property of Star' on the back of his hoody. He knows she'll like the last one even though she won't say it.

She buys matching necklaces with half a heart each, saying 'Together Forever'. She keeps the side that says 'Forever' and he makes a silent promise to make it come true.

By the end of March, the weight loss is terrifyingly obvious on her already thin frame. They watch her constantly and yes, she is eating. Is she sick? Is something wrong at home? She insists it's nothing.

It's during spring break that Paulina catches her. They're poolside for the moment, waiting for their lunch to digest before heading back into the water. Star goes to the bathroom and Paulina follows a minute after. Dash and Kwan are talking about how exciting it will be 'on the team' next year and wondering how long it will take to get on varsity.

Kwan knows something is wrong when Star is being tugged along, head held low.

"We're leaving." Paulina commands and neither of the boys question her. They gather all of their stuff and Dash offers his house since it's closest. The walk there is tense and Kwan desperately tries to catch Star's eye. What wrong with her? What did Paulina find out?

He prayed it wasn't what he thought it was. Weight loss and something Paulina saw in the bathroom? He didn't want it to be so.

The latina led them straight up to Dash's room without asking. Kwan had been over to his friend's house many times, but never in his room. He wasn't bothered - some people just like their privacy.

Apparently this talk needed a lot more privacy.

She led Star to a black bean bag surrounded by... Teddy Bears? That wasn't important right now. Dash handed her a blonde bear perfect for hugging, saying, "This is Komu. He's a great listener. He never judges and you can tell him anything."

With one hand in Paulina's death grip and the other holding Komu close, Star chokes out a sob. Turning in the bean bag, the latina throws her other arm around her best friend and pulls her into a hug. "I... just wanted... to be beautiful." She chokes out.

Paulina is stroking her hair. "When did it start?"

"I... threw up after Christmas dinner. I ate too much and... when I realized that I still felt full but my stomach wasn't big from all that food... I thought it wasn't such a bad idea. It was just once in a while... for a while..."

Kwan feels like a failure. Star had been suffering all these months and he hadn't been able to put the pieces together.

"Why did you do it?" Dash asks. He's sitting next to the bean bag, a blue bear in his arms.

"Because... I want to stay popular... and beautiful... and I want Kwan to love me." She buries her head into Paulina's shoulder.

Kwan feels crushed. This... is because of him? Did he pressure her about her looks? Did he say anything that made her think she wasn't good enough? Did he not tell her how perfect she was often enough?

"Star..." he starts and has to take a deep breath to stop himself from choking up. Star needs him to be strong right now so that she can fall apart. He kneels in front of her. "I love you Star. And that will never change no matter what you look like. Skinny, tall, short, fat; none of that matters. You'd still be Star and I'd still love you. You're so beautiful just how you are. I'm so sorry if I did something or said something that made you think you weren't good enough - you're perfect! Your popularity, your beauty, and especially my love - none of it depends on how skinny you are."

And he wants to stop right there because the next words he has to say could hurt her, but she has to know. "This hurts Star. Seeing you like this hurts. Knowing that it's my fault, in any small way, that you're in pain is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'd rather die than be the cause of any of your pain. And it's not just me. You're hurting Paulina and Dash as well. We care about you and to see you destroying yourself-" He can't hold back a squeaky sob.

He furiously scrubs his eyes. He can fall apart later. Star needs him. He hopes she needs him. Because this is his fault and if he can't make it better, how can he claims he loves her?

"Please, Star. Please stop this." He begs and he can't stop the steady drip of tears falling to his lap.

Star looks at him, starts a new round of sobs, and launches herself into his chest. He wraps his arms around her, making sure she doesn't get hurt as he's pushed to the floor, and holds her close. "That's what you always say! I can't be as perfect as you say I am! I just can't! Paulina is more perfect than I am!"

Kwan holds her close and wishes anything he weren't causing these tears. He shouldn't have told her that she's prefect? It's his fault because he said too many nice things?

"I'm not perfect." Paulina declares and Kwan knows the ball is in her court now. It's her turn to find what Star needs to hear. The latina goes in depth about chewing her nails. Her obsession with having them perfect. How just a month ago she ripped off three of them because she couldn't get them filed right and that's why she has acrylics right now.

Kwan didn't know what to say. He had never considered that Paulina might have an obsession like that. It was downright pathological and he'd never considered Paulina someone who might have a disorder.

And then Dash started. He confessed to being gay and his love of Teddy Bears. How his mother had called him a faggot and how, even two years later, there was still tension between them. How scared he was of people at school finding out and being ridiculed.

Star sat back up and he leaned the two of them up against the bean bag, pulling her close to his side. She talked about her cousin and how he'd been bullied. How she'd been the one person who he'd talk to about what was wrong. The anger, the pain, the drugs. How she still had the bag hidden in her drawer.

The body.

Kwan felt his heart break all over again. She had been suffering in silence all this time; all of his friends had. And he had never known. He felt like the worst friend in the world.

Dash stood and declared he was going to get snacks. Asking Star what she wanted to eat (Hawaiian pizza with bacon) he went to order and brought back four cups and two bottles of soda.

Paulina ordered Star to the bathroom before they started because they were not letting her leave while or after they were eating. The pizza arrived and they settled comfortably among Dash's bears discussing their issues and how they would help each other.

Kwan confessed to feeling a bit left out since he didn't have a big secret like the rest of them.

"I don't think that's true." Paulina stated and everyone looked at her. What secret did Kwan have that he didn't even know? "The way you treat Star isn't exactly normal. I'm not saying it's a bad thing but, you worship the ground she walks on. If she told you to kiss her feet and worship her like a goddess, you'd do it in a heartbeat. That's not normal and it's troubling for her. You may not see anything wrong with this, but Star feels like she has to live up to being some goddess on earth. She's your girlfriend, not a deity."

He blinked in confusion. That wasn't normal? He was troubling Star?

"I'm not saying you have to change your entire relationship, but you have to understand how you've troubled her. As far as I see it, you two work well together. Star thrives on being the center of your world and you're ecstatic that she allows you be part of hers. I don't think either of you could function in a normal relationship."

The two looked at each other before looking back at the Queen Bee. Not that they hadn't known her to have an amazing grasp on human behavior but, now they knew just how spot on she was. She'd read them like a pro gambler. If they hadn't been such close friends, Kwan might have been concerned for his safety.

When Dash's father came home about five, said football player exchanged a glance with Paulina and went to talk to him. Kwan wasn't sure what they had planned or how they knew what the other was thinking but, he trusted them.

Dash came back about ten minutes later. "I explained what's going on to my dad. He's going to call Star's parents to come over in about an hour so we can talk about what to do next."

Star grimaced but nodded in acceptance. Once they hashed out a decent sounding plan, they turned their attention to lighter topics. By the time Star's parents arrived, she was cuddled into Kwan's side and laughing.

They turned somber as they entered the living room.

Kwan tucked his girlfriend under his arm and Paulina stepped forward like a true leader with Dash at her side. She explained the situation and outlined their plan to watch Star carefully for the last bit of school and then have her go to rehab at the start of summer. Star didn't want to miss school for a number of reasons: catching up on work, how the rumors would spread, and how being near her friends helped.

There was outrage, disbelief, anger. Everything was fielded by Dash, Paulina, and Dash's father when adult authority was needed.

"I think the kids are on the right track. As soon as they knew what the problem was they brought it to adults and decided to get Star professional help. There are many kids who would try to rough it and that could make things worse. They made a valid suggestion and have each volunteered to watch out for her as much as possible. There's nothing more you could ask from these kids." Mr. Baxter stated.

Never had Kwan felt more like an adult in his short life. The praise for handling the situation well, for helping Star, was the greatest compliment.

The glow of accomplishment was short lived.

"You!" Her father pointed at him. "You did this! You always hear that it was the boyfriend telling her she wasn't good enough! This is your fault! Step away from my daughter, you asshole!"

Star clung tighter to him and he pulled her closer in turn. In a way, it was his fault. But not in the way he was being accused of.

Paulina stepped between them again. "It is in no way Kwan's fault that Star took the actions she did. All he is guilty of is telling her that he loved her and thought she was perfect just how she was. Star was the one who made the decision that she wasn't good enough. She chose her actions of her own free will.

There was a bit more denial and a few more fingers pointed towards Kwan, but in the end, no one could fault Paulina's words. Star was responsible for her own actions.

Paulina invited herself to sleep over with Star and Kwan was invited to spend the night at the Baxter residence. He agreed.

They adapted to the new school routine quickly. Paulina escorted Star to the bathroom before lunch and Kwan escorted her to class afterwards. Every weekend they made a trip to Nasty Burger after discovering Star's secret love of it.

She admitted that occasionally still did it at home. It was a habit and part of her kept telling her she'd get fat if she didn't.

Two days after their middle school graduation, the three of them stood in Star's driveway ready to see her off. There were hugs all around and promises to visit the following weekend.

Pulling him off to the side, Star took Kwan's hand and held it to her cheek. "I'm going to make it through this program for you. I'm going to grow stronger and come back someone worthy of your worship."

Looking at her, inner strength on full display, he resisted saying 'You already are.' because she needed this. This was her motivation to make it through the next eight weeks. He nodded instead. "Then I'll be waiting to grovel at your feet."

* * *

I did not set out to write a BDSM relationship.

Poll open on my profile to determine if 'One More Secret' should become an AU.


	5. Interlude: The Lists

Paulina started with the A-List.

It was quick, simple. Seven people who stood above all the rest. She put her name first, of course.

Status depended on three things. Money, likeability, and class. These three thing determined what list people ended up on.

They put down all the people off the top of their heads (mostly on the B-List) before searching more carefully through the school directory.

Name by name, they penciled in who ranked where.

The F-List was the easiest to complete. Ten people that stood out for all the wrong reasons. First name: Sam Manson. Paulina couldn't put her further from the elites.

At the end of the day, they only had two thirds of the students ranked. That left two-hundred and one students to track down (covertly), find their family situation, how well liked they were, and how they conducted themselves.

It was a long week and a half.

Becky started establishing an entire information network through all the levels of the school. She had feelers everywhere from the band geeks to the smokers.

It was the Tuesday before presenting the lists that Becky brought up the need for another list: a list for people who should under no circumstances should be bullied. A list of students who were already depressed.

She passed Paulina three names and left it in her hands. She thought of calling it the Watch List but perished the thought for being overly obvious. E would do.

Paulina sent her feelers out again, searching for problem students. Thursday she had two more names. Becky had four. The same two Paulina had found and two others, bringing the total to seven.

Seven people out of six-hundred and thirteen. That was over one percent. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a lot. But that was seven people in her school; including a B-Lister she knew personally. She vowed never to overlook such a thing again.

She may never have the sheer influence that Becky held from the shadows, but she was going to make sure that she never missed something right in front of her again.

The final lists had three-hundred and fifty-seven students on the C-List, one-hundred and two on the B-List, and one-hundred and thirty-seven on the D-List. The bullying pool.

Paulina held no delusions about being a hero but with this, at least she knew they weren't monsters.

Becky pulled her into a bathroom one morning simpering apologies. The lists had leaked. She had a friend over for a project and forgot they were on her screen. She hadn't even left for more than five minutes to get drinks. She would immediately demote the person who leaked it and demote herself.

"It's fine." The Queen Bee stopped the tirade. "It doesn't matter if they see the lists. The E-List is still in my room and that's the important one. They can complain all they want but those lists are just a series of factual rankings."

Blinking slowly, Becky backs down. "I see. Yes, I suppose it's not a big deal. I'm still sorry for my carelessness. I'll be more careful." She promises and Paulina nods in acceptance. "What do you want done about the person who leaked it?"

"It's your choice." She states before leaving the bathroom. The lists are in Becky's hands and she can decide what happens. Any punishments, demotions, or even to ignore it - it's all in her hands. Her responsibility.

In the end, Paulina never finds out what Becky did; if she did anything at all. She keeps herself on the A-List saying it would be both hasty and pointless to remove herself. Even if she had demoted the offender, Paulina knows it will be useless to check. People change standing all the time and Becky is far too subtle to leave such an obvious trace.

So life carries on. The lists are updated once a month.

Meetings are held every-other week for the E-List.

And the A-Listers rule the school.


	6. 5 Danny

Dash doesn't go out of his way to find any of the F-Listers. He calls them names when he sees them but that's all. He has his targets and it doesn't feel right to go after the same guys everyone else it out for. There should be at least a small amount of challenge in this.

He knows who Danny Fenton is by now. His parents had once dashed into an assembly claiming there was a ghost in the gym. He'd honestly felt embarrassed alongside the kid despite not knowing who he was. The first time he saw the F-List he was surprised Danny's name wasn't first. Then again, Paulina vs Sam was rather infamous.

It was March of eighth grade and Dash was contemplating why Paulina hated her nails. He wasn't out to pry, but he didn't get it. They were just nails, right?

He's shoulder checked (probably on accident) so he glares down at the dork. "Watch where you're going Fen-toenail."

Fen-toenail? Nice recovery!

"Sorry. I thought athletes were supposed to be more coordinated. Next time I'll remember that you're not just built like a brick wall, you're as smart as one, too."

Dash blinks. That's never happened before. People duck their head and walk away. They stammer apologies. They never insult him back.

Shaking off his surprise, he glares. "You better watch your back, Fen-turd." Ooh, that one was even better.

He rolled his eyes. No one had ever rolled their eyes at him! This little-

Nope. Stay calm. This is all about not getting carried away. He waits for no one to be behind Fenton before pushing him bodily out of the way.

Pesky, no good, foofy haired, annoying-

Foofy? Wait, was that even an insult? Dash liked guys with fluffy hair. Danny's was a little more spiky but-

No. Just no. He tied the thought to an anchor and threw it into the ocean.

The second encounter was no better than the first. It had only been a week and Dash still felt annoyed at such disrespect. When Fenton just happened to carry his lunch tray by the A-Lister's table, he tripped him.

His food was scattered and the exploded milk carton was all over the dweeb's shoes. This was fantastic!

"What's your problem?" He demanded.

Dash just smirked."Don't you ever look where you're walking? My foot was there first."

"No, it wasn't."

"And what are you gonna do about it?" Dash admits. Fenton narrows his eyes before stalking away. The football star smirks in triumph. Not so great now, are ya'?

A small part of him feels disappointed. There had been a certain rush, a challenge when Fenton had fought back.

It's after gym class that he notices something wrong. His pants itch. Like there's too much detergent left in them. But they were fine before class. He squirms. he scratches his legs. Anywhere that's not his ass (because that's too much).

He hears a snicker in the seat behind him.

Danny 'Loser' Fenton is smirking at him as if there's nothing as entertaining in the entire world. Fenton knows. Fenton did this! As soon as they were out of class, he was -

Going insane.

The itching wouldn't stop. He needed to move. He needed to get rid of his pants. Now.

He was dismissed for the restroom and nearly lunged for the door. That dweeb was so going to pay!

With his pants off, the itching wasn't as bad but it wasn't gone either. He scratched everywhere in the privacy of the stall. He didn't even care that he was supposed to go back to class or that he was even at school. What the hell had Fenton done to his pants?

He didn't know how much later it was that someone entered the bathroom. Footsteps halted outside of the stall he was occupying. "You know scratching isn't going to help. It just rubs the powder in further."

Fenton.

"When I get my hands on you-"

"You'll what? 'Pound me'? Get yourself thrown in detention - it's my win again." Dash glared through the door. "I'll tell you the best way to make it stop itching if you promise to leave me alone."

A way to make the itching stop? It sounded so much like heaven Dash almost buckled right there. But give in to an F-Lister? "Like hell, Fenton! I'm going to get you so good once I fix this! You're never going to be safe again!"

"Suit yourself." And with that, the dweeb walked off leaving Dash stranded.

He felt humiliated the whole way home and had to ask his mom how to get rid of itching powder. That's what he'd used, right? His mother grew concerned and asked if this was about...

He didn't let her finish the question. It wasn't.

Even if the worst of it faded after taking a bath with baking soda, his legs remained itchy and uncomfortable for the better part of two weeks.

From that point on, he made sure to seek out Fenton and give him everything that was coming to him. Within the unspoken rules. He hollered at him, cornered him, dissed his name and his weird parents, tripped him in the lunch room, and even gave him a wet Willie at one point.

And Fenton pushed back. He gave as good as he got, blow for blow. Dash found himself pranked at every turn and he grew obsessed with getting one over on Fenton, once and for all.

One afternoon, he was complaining to Paulina about how the dweeb just wouldn't give in. She raised an eyebrow imperiously. "Aren't you just pulling pigtails?"

Pigtails? Fenton didn't have any pig tails. He imagined it and almost laughed at how spiky and messy they'd be. That would humiliate him. But, looking at his best friend, he knew that wasn't what she was saying.

"It's an expression meaning you tease someone you like so that they'll notice you."

Him? Like Fenton? No way. That loser was just so uncool. With that foofy hair and the freaky parents and that aggravating smirk...

That smirk. He couldn't deny it. A small (very small) part of him wanted to see that smirk.

Dash dropped on his new queen size bed next to Paulina. He was getting a crush on Fenton? Of all people, why that dweeb?

Well, it was rather obvious. He never gave in. Every time Dash pushed, he pushed back. It didn't matter what he threw at the other boy, he was met slight for slight, insult for insult. It was...exciting. But did he really have a crush on the F-Lister?

He wasn't sure.

He paid more attention to the next few encounters. When he saw that smirk, he felt like smiling himself because he knew something exciting was about to happen. When blue eyes glared at him, he was pleased that he was monopolizing the boys attention. When they passed in the hall, he would call out different names and was excited that Fenton would automatically turn to look.

So he liked having Fenton's attention. So what? That didn't mean anything.

So he thought about his appearance. That foofy hair... well, so what if he had nice hair. That wasn't everything. What about the eyes. Those shining blue eyes that pierced right into Dash. Those sharp lips drawn into a taught smirk. What would they look like in a broad smile? With those blue eyes shining not in anger, but in happiness?

Oh no. He really did have a crush on Fenton.

Dash avoided him for two days before he couldn't take it anymore. Having those bright eyes on him was like an addiction and he didn't care what retaliation came with it, he wanted that fierce attention back on him.

He didn't want to be obvious so it couldn't be every day. And some days, watching him from across the way and seeing the way his eyes lit up in joy with his geeky friends, was enough. He'd imagine those welcoming eyes turned on him, and the way those pink lips pulled lightly upwards in a real smile; it was enough to turn him to butter.

And, ok, maybe he asked Paulina to look into him a bit and he admired that Danny wanted to be an astronaut. And maybe he snuck a peak at Danny's test and admired that he was smarter than Dash. And maybe he wondered what it would be like to eat lunch with him. Have a pleasant conversation. Did he like kung-fu movies as well?

Not that he thought it was likely to happen. Dash knew the social hierarchy up and down and he knew that people you bullied didn't turn around and declare their love for you. But it didn't feel like bullying with Danny because he was never a victim. It was like Paulina and Sam. They each gave as good as they got and it wasn't the antagonism against someone who wouldn't fight back.

It was a challenge. A game that Fenton didn't know he was playing. Or did he?

Dash was talking to Paulina about how to visit Star over the summer when he caught sight of Danny dreamily staring in his direction. His heart raced and he almost smiled back when he noticed it wasn't directed at him. He was looking at Paulina.

He knew he shouldn't have felt so crushed. He knew it wasn't likely that Danny was gay and Paulina was beautiful. Using the mirror in her locker, the latina noticed the problem and gave a small frown. She placed a hand on his shoulder and offered a light squeeze.

He knew it wasn't Paulina's fault but he couldn't stand to see her right then. He avoided both her and Fenton for the better part of a week.

Slouching into his seat at their lunch table, he turned to Paulina. She was amazing. Perfectly poised and carrying on like nothing was wrong. Not a glare or a reprimand to 'get over himself'. How could someone so amazing exist?

"I'm sorry."

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "You don't need to be. Your crush likes someone else so you felt hurt."

He wanted to apologize again in the face of her understanding, but he didn't. Paulina would just get annoyed if he said it a second time.

Kwan leaned over the table and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You know, I don't think all hope is lost. Danny is a very open minded guy. While he might have a crush on Paulina right now, he doesn't know her and liking someone just for their looks is a very small crush."

Looking at his friend, he feels hope. If anyone knows what love is, it's Kwan. So he takes solace in the fact that it's just a small crush and that it will probably go away.

High school starts and it takes just two weeks to settle back in near the top of the social hierarchy. They're not top dog (that belongs to the seniors) but everyone who went to middle school with them (sophomores and juniors included) acknowledge their position and it spreads through the school.

'The A-Listers in high school' they say and Dash smiles in amusement. That name really stuck around. He also notices that it doesn't seem to include Hayden, Taylor, Becky and Georgie anymore. They're still considered top tier, but the back-up quarterback is saddened that they're drifting apart. The two groups hadn't seen much of each other after the revelation of Star's problem.

They held a meeting at Paulina's and decided it was time to stop.

Casper high already had a system and there was no need to keep up the bullying. Becky was still going to keep lists and pass the names on the E-List along to everybody, but she wasn't as interested in being popular as she had been. Her chemistry class was very exciting and if she wanted a full ride to college, she needed to be serious about her work and her extracurriculars.

Taylor still wanted to be popular but was more interested in her art.

Georgie said he'd been thinking about it for a while and he wanted to strike out on his own. He still liked them all, but it was time for some new friends.

Hayden was fine anywhere. He just wanted to have fun with people he liked and if that was with the A-List or with someone else, he didn't mind.

They hung out the rest of the night for the last time and parted with well wishes.

The bullying ring was over and they were free to focus on other problems. Like Danny's continued crush on Paulina. The quarterback missed the distraction already.

Dash threw himself into sports and was promised a spot on the starting line as soon as the current quarterback got scouted.

But Dash couldn't last. Those blue eyes would always look right past him and it simmered resentment in his gut. He made it till Wednesday before tripping him.

"What's your problem, Dash?" he glared and the football player preened. Finally, those eyes were focused on him.

"Your face." he answered. Not that his face was a problem. No, Dash quite liked his face. He liked it even better when it was facing him.

"You're such a prick." Manson spoke up. Dash sneered at her. Why did she have to interfere? For the first time, he understood just how the goth got on Paulina's nerves so badly.

Their glaring contest was broken by Danny tugging on the girl's arm. "Let's go. It's not worth our time."

Dash switched his glare to the object of his affections. Not worth his time?

He stewed all day. By the time he was leaving for the day, he was ready to burst. The last time he'd felt this pent up he'd started a fist fight. He needed to get out of here and use the punching bag in his garage.

But there he was again. Standing in front of his open locker and making goo-goo eyes as Paulina passed by.

"What do you see in her?" Manson asked and Dash almost agreed with her. What did Danny see in her? But he also knew just how amazing she was. Anyone would be lucky to have her.

"She's hot." Danny replied like that explained everything and Dash felt anger rush through him. So Paulina was attractive but Dash wasn't? And how dare he reduce Paulina to her physical appearance? She was so much more than that!

He didn't think. He shoved Danny into his locker and slammed the door.

Oh no. He'd just slammed his crush into a locker. It was all over. He'd never look at Dash in a positive light now.

"What the hell, Dash!?" The she harpy was yelling so he fell back on his bullying ways.

"Dweeb has no right to be talking about Paulina like that. He doesn't even deserve to look at her." And this is not good. He's running on auto pilot and saying things he doesn't mean to. He's ruining everything.

"I agree Danny was being a pig, but you have no right to shove him into a locker!"

Now she was insulting Danny! This... this... cow!

"Go away, Dash!" She points down the hall and wants to have it out with her, right here, right now. Always throwing insults at Paulina and now she called Danny a pig? But Dash stops himself. He exhales heavily through his nose, and takes the out. He'll make things even worse if he stays.

"Like I'd want to hang around such a stinky loser anyway." He sneers. Hopefully, she knows he means her. Not Danny. Danny always smelt like soap and waterfalls. It might have been his shampoo or just his natural scent. Dash didn't care either way.

Kwan catches him on his way out so they end up tossing a football around the pitch. After a good half hour, the worst of his nervous energy is burned off. He holds the ball in both hands and his best friend approaches.

"I messed up so bad. I shoved Danny into a locker." He doesn't need to look up to know the surprise on his friend's face. "I didn't mean to, I just- he's always looking at Paulina and he won't even glance at me. And then he said that the only reason he liked Paulina was because she was hot and I got so pissed-

"I'm such an idiot."

Star, and he's not sure when she walked over, says, "You know, he's an idiot, too. Liking someone just because of their looks is shallow. Has he ever even spoken to Paulina? I don't think so. So it's a big, fat, pile of nothing. Not every boy is as sophisticated as Kwan.

"That doesn't make shoving him into a locker ok." She poked his chest. "If you want his attention, you need to find a better way to do it."

Dash blinks at her. She'd come a long way after rehab. It was always about 'handling your issues in a positive manner' these days.

He thanked both of them and left to think about it. There did have to be a better way to get his attention, but what? He couldn't just try to be friends. Danny would never believe him. Confess? No way. He'd be laughed at. He'd lose his status and maybe even his spot on the team. It wasn't an option. Show off? But Dash already showed off to anyone who was watching.

The next day, he tried to trip Manson on behalf of both Danny and Paulina. It didn't work. He tripped Danny.

Shit. Shit. Shit! Nothing was going right!

"Watch your step, Fen-turd." Shit! Mouth, stop working!

"He wouldn't have to if you'd just leave him alone." Manson defended.

Dash glares. He's not talking to her. "Need your _boy_ friend to protect you, Fen-tina?" And shit! Again! he doesn't even know if he's trying to imply that Manson is masculine or see how Danny reacts to the thought of having a boyfriend. Maybe it's both.

"I don't _need_ Sam to do anything." And those baby blues are focused right on him again. He feels high. Danny's attention is on him alone and it's like he just scored a touchdown.

"Oh yeah? Your _boyfriend_ doesn't seem to think you can defend yourself." And this time he definitely wants to know Danny's reaction to the word 'boyfriend'.

"She's not a boy and she's just a friend."

Manson frowns at that and Dash doesn't know whether to cheer or despair. He's ecstatic because Danny didn't seem to care about the word itself or that he might have a boyfriend. He's seething because Manson obviously wishes they weren't 'just friends'.

"Tell her that. Or can't you do anything without your knight in shining armor, Fen-tina?" And shit! He's not trying to imply that Danny is a girl. He was definitely male and Dash liked him that way. It was just supposed to get Manson out of the conversation but instead he insulted Danny again! Shit! He's so useless!

Blue eyes narrow into slits. He doesn't take his attention off of the football player even when he's addressing the goth. "Sam, stay out of it. I can take him."

On a date? No, no. Wishful thinking. "Bring it, Fen-turd." He smirks and shit! Why won't he just shut up!

The heavens apparently take mercy on him as Mr. Lancer rounds the corner. Crisis averted, Dash can't get home fast enough and calls Paulina over. He's such a mess. Everything is even worse than before and now he almost got into a fight with his crush! A real fight! This was the worst.

"Ignore Manson. She's not worth your time or energy."

"But she has a crush on Danny! And they're friends so it's a real crush! They both know each other and they get along well and she'll make him her boyfriend before I even manage to say something nice to him!"

"Don't worry about that. Manson has been crushing on Danny almost as long as she's known him and he's never taken an interest."

Wait, what? But, Danny and Manson had known each other all through middle school. How long had she been crushing on him?

And was Danny that oblivious? Dash didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Danny couldn't be gay - he clearly noticed Paulina.

"Let this blow over before you try and talk to him again. Kwan said that Danny was open minded. If nothing happens for a while, he might be willing to start over."

Dash clings to the idea and avoids Fenton like the plague. Just leave him alone for a while and they could start over. Be friendly. Maybe.

Clinging to that 'maybe' was keeping Dash in check from hunting Danny down and demanding his attention - whether that be in a good or bad way. He felt like such an addict.

On Tuesday he gave in. Just a little. He made sure to walk past his crush's locker when he knew he'd be there. Except he wasn't. He spotted the rest of the loser brigade exchanging worried glances and felt a rock land in the pit of his stomach. Where was Danny?

Information spread through the grape vine that there had been an accident in his parent's lab and he'd be back at school in a few days. Dash barely resisted cornering his two friends and demanding to know what happened. Was Danny ok? Was he injured? Sick? What kind of 'accident' was this?

He didn't lose a limb, right?

His imagination was relentless as it gave him scenario after scenario of how his crush might be hurting. It was bad enough that he couldn't come to school and they didn't know when he would be back. How bad was bad?

And then a ghost showed up.

A real, glowing, see-through, floating, evil, ghost.

Oh, hell no. Dash couldn't stand to watch ghost movies. Friday the Thirteenth? Sure. Ghosts? Uh-uh. And now here one was. In the flesh. Ectoplasm. He didn't care.

He doesn't know what happened (and no, he won't deny having run away) but the ghost is gone by the end of the day so he puts it as far from his mind as he can.

Friday sees more ghosts around town and still no Danny. His parents were always going on about ghosts. Was Danny hurt by one?

By Monday Dash wants to leave town. He's seen three ghosts in the last week and heard about others scattered throughout town.

But there's good news. He spots Danny in the hallway and he seems ok. No missing limbs, no cast - not even a brace.

He wants to rush over and check him for injuries but his stupid, stupid auto pilot kicks in. He pushes him. Danny doesn't finch or adjust for any injuries, but he glares and Dash feels like the biggest fool in the world. "Where have you been, loser? Scared of ghosts?" He taunts and immediately wants to hit his head against a wall. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

"No. I'm not." Danny states with a certain finality that says he's not just answering Dash. "I was in an accident last week and had to wait to get better."

Don't say something stupid. Don't say something stupid. "I bet you would've run away like a coward anyway. Crying for your parents."

Dash didn't care anymore. Anything to get him out of this situation. A ghost attack. Please.

"Think what you want, Dash."

The A-Lister blinks. That was all? No accusing Dash of being the coward? No fight? He watched Danny walk away with his friends and frowned. Something was up. Something had changed with his crush and his gut told him it had something to do with the ghosts.

He'd find out what had happened to Danny.

After all, you watch out for the people you care for.

Even if it means facing ghosts.


	7. 6 Ghosts

I have _reordered_ the season one timeline. Episodes listed at the end of the chapters.

Every episode will be mentioned. You do not have to read plot synopsizes to understand what is going on although you may want to so you know what was happening 'off-screen'. Do _not_ re-watch the show. I have changed/dismissed many of the details of the show to allow for a more realistic setting and characters who are not card board cut outs.

This is still cannon. Season one has no clear chronological order so I have fit the episodes into one timeline that reasonably allows for different school events and character driven plot.

* * *

Ghosts had gone from scary to annoying very quickly for Star.

They interrupted her day, caused property damage, and were always obsessed with something strange. Like boxes.

Sure, they were frightening at times. And yeah, people got hurt. But really? They were more of a nuisance than a threat.

And then there was the ghost boy. He was always fighting the other ghosts. Couldn't they take their fights elsewhere? Just last week he and another ghost destroyed the school cafeteria!

There were debates on whether or not to declare him, specifically, a public menace.

It was almost a sure thing after the fiasco at the zoo.

By the time lockers started opening on their own, it was so yesterday. Ignore whatever mayhem the ghosts were causing until they left. Simple. Straight forward.

Danny Fenton stealing sodas from the vending machine and handing them out to the popular kids? Unnatural.

Dash was too phased by Danny talking to him of his own volition to do anything other than accept.

But Star wasn't. None of this was right. He didn't act like himself at all. Even his friends were talking about it. And when he got tackled in a pick-up game of football (because of course Dash invited his crush to do something he liked) she saw it.

He had phased through them.

No way. Danny was human. He had a pulse and two legs and they had grown up together.

Well, she knew who he was.

So she considered the facts. He very much still seemed human but he was acting different. Spotting the town's ghost hunters across the field, she pushed down any possible regret in favor of asking questions. If anyone would know, it would be them.

"Is it possible for ghosts to posses people?"

She regretted it anyway. Yes, it would be possible for a ghost to posses someone and make them do things they wouldn't normally do. Why, Jack was working on this great dream catcher that could separate a human from the ghost possessing them!

She finally got a word in edgewise and asked if ghosts could use their powers while possessing someone. Mrs. Fenton didn't think so but they'd never encountered a case of possession themselves, so they didn't know for sure.

Star thanked them and hurried off with a shudder. If she never had to talk to people that weird ever again...

Not important right now. What was important was sharing what she'd found out. Kwan waved her over and they circled behind the bleachers to where Paulina was watching over a dazed Dash. Star grimaced. She did not want to be the bearer of bad news.

"He talked to me. He had fun playing football with me. Is this a dream?"

"It's not a dream, but you might not like reality very much."

"Huh? What are you saying? If it's not a dream, than Danny just said he wants to spend time with me. This is... unbelievable."

"Exactly." Star braced herself with a deep breath. This was gonna hurt. "I think Danny is possessed. He's not acting right. The things he's saying aren't right and during the football game, he phased _through_ Mitch when he was being tackled."

Her friend looked crestfallen before pulling on a poker face. "Yeah. Yeah, it would be pretty weird for Danny to suddenly like me."

Star bit her cheek. She didn't want to cause her friend pain but the lie would be so much worse. It wasn't Danny and Dash would have noticed on his own soon.

They kept an eye out for the rest of the day finally seeing him smash a mirror. "I can explain! Actually, I can't."

So Danny was himself again. Had it been the mirror? Did the ghost come from the mirror? Did Danny not remember being possessed or did he just not want to talk about it?

Being assigned detention for 'breaking school property' caused the 'party at Fenton's' to be cancelled which Star only considered a good thing.

The knowledge that people could be possessed gave them something new to watch out for.

They passed this information on to Becky who in turn spread it around school. It added a new sense of worry over the next week until the student body accepted that this, too, was part of their new lifestyle.

. . . .

Episodes: Mystery Meat = One of a Kind = Splitting Images


	8. 7 The Ghost Boy

Sorry for late update. My USB adapter broke. I was able to recover this chapter but I'll need some time to get things back in order.

* * *

Paulina was in no way interested in being involved with ghosts.

They were obsessive people who hadn't let go even when they died. It was pathetic and their constant disruptions throughout Amity park were irritating. Life was for the living.

The issue was mostly ignored until Dash was dragged into it. He was on the field for the first time and the latina wished him all the best. Unfortunately, middle school pick-ups were very different from high school tournaments.

Dash was tackled multiple times and she knew he'd be blaming himself for the loss of the entire game. She'd buy some ice cream and brownies and let him sulk.

Then it changed. Returning to the field after one huddle, Dash wasn't himself. He was angrier and more confidant. His play was also off the charts. Dash was good, but now he was matching seniors looking to get scouted. They finally scored on the other team so Paulina joined the other cheerleaders in victory.

The kick-off went well and then, Dash got tackled again.

Something was very wrong. Paulina didn't know what, but she didn't trust it.

Lounging among Dash's Teddy Bears that evening, he talked about being possessed. One moment he was talking about wishing he could crush the other team single handedly, and the next, he was saying 'hike' and getting tackled again.

He described it as being in a thick fog. He knew, very vaguely, that he was playing football, but it seemed unimportant and out of reach.

Star grabbed a notebook out of Kwan's pack and made note of everything they knew about possessions. Out of character behavior, unnatural abilities, and being stuck in a fog. It wasn't much and there was no simple way to get more information. Namely: how to stop it.

So they had brownies and ice cream, played go fish, and discussed what color Paulina should paint her nails. She was thinking purple. Dash suggested blue to match her eyes. Star thought light yellow would be nice since it had been a few months and Kwan agreed with her. They came to a consensus of yellow with purple rhinestones. She'd do blue the next time.

The next day, Paulina stopped on her way out of the mall to look at the promotional cardboard for 'Sayonara Pussycat'. She enjoyed the character greatly despite being 'too old' for it.

"If only I could be so popular and cute." She said with a hint of wistfulness. It was an animated cat so there was nothing to _truly_ be jealous of but, the idea of world wide popularity appealed to her.

She came to in a storage closet with a headache. She got her bearings enough to notice the ghost boy sucking another ghost into a tube before flying off.

She frowned in annoyance. Now she understood how Dash felt. Like her life was a movie just out of reach where she could only make out half the lines. Never, ever did she want that to happen again.

So of course that's exactly what happened on Monday.

Ghostly pranks had been rampant the whole day including Mr. Lancer being pantsed. It was even more juvenile than usual. She had just crossed the street from school when a shiver ran through her entire being.

This was just too much. She tried to push against the fog but she felt weightless and directionless. There was nothing to push against and no point in fighting it. She should just float along and wait for it to be over.

Paulina felt fire in her core. She would not be so easily pushed aside in her own body and no mysterious force was going to coerce her into giving up. She mentally pushed with all her might but it was like popping her ears - pushing all the air in her body outwards but not letting it come out of the normal airways. The pressure built and just made her feel light-headed.

Suddenly, she was free and she stumbled over a response that might save her social life. Did these ghosts have no respect whatsoever? She was a person, not a barstool! They were not welcome to come and go as they please and destroy her social standing!

Staying calm on the surface, she walked off to find Dash. He'd understand her frustration.

The next day saw yet another ghostly fight in the halls of Casper High. This one staring a possessed Tucker Foley and, yet again, the ghost boy. The chemistry lab was destroyed causing fifth hour to be cancelled so they could air out the chemicals.

The rest of the day returned to relative normality until Paulina saw something she wished she hadn't. She was waiting by Dash's locker so they could walk to their respective practices together when Danny pulled a textbook out of his locker. With the door closed.

She frowned in sympathy. Being possessed twice in one week?

But, wait. When Paulina was possessed the ghosts just did whatever they wanted. Why would this one be grabbing Danny's text book?

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. If this ghost was trying to stay under the radar, he might be possessing Danny long term. That was monstrous. But what could she do?

She left it alone but kept an eye out.

It was small, but it was there. An arm through a table here, a moment of invisibility there - how long could a ghost possess a human? Being trapped in your own mind with no way out...

And what was it even doing under the radar? What was it trying to accomplish carrying on like he was the real Danny? And then it came to her: his parents. They were the top ghost hunters in town. Was it sabotaging their equipment? Helping other ghosts avoid capture?

Indignation burned strong. Danny was trapped in his own head with no way out while this ghost helped it's comrades.

She kept a level head though. Telling Dash would have him moping and telling Star and Kwan would be pointless.

It was Thursday that she considered another option. Why hadn't Sam noticed something was wrong? The girl was sharp - incredibly so. And after crushing on Danny for so many years, she knew the goth would notice something was off.

So either the ghost was really good or...

Or it was Danny. She'd seen ghosts with a plethora of different abilities. What if there was a power to look human? What if that accident had been fatal?

Ice ran through her veins.

No. She didn't know that for sure and if it was... what was his ghostly obsession? Living?

She pushed that aside as well. He might just be possessed. It was no use wondering what he might have thought in his final-

No. Deep breaths. She was getting ahead of herself. Way ahead. She needed more information. She needed to think over the facts. What had happened since Danny came back to school?

The lunch room had been destroyed, ghost fights took place in the hallways, he got possessed-

That was it. Danny had been possessed. Could ghosts possess other ghosts? She didn't know.

Paulina had never wanted a classmate to die. The lists, the rules, all of it. No one was supposed to _die_ and with ghosts everywhere, the thought of a dead classmate was even eerier.

Salvation came in the form of tutoring. Specifically, Dash's required tutoring in math do to failing his last three tests.

He wasn't dumb. Just, simple. While they could help him through his homework reasonably well, without a formula sitting in front of him, her best friend was grasping at straws.

His assigned tutor was Jazz Fenton and this was a perfect in. Dash would invite her to his party this weekend and they'd get her alone to ask about how to protect themselves from ghosts. Easy. Under the radar.

Unfortunately, Jazz had other ideas. Concerned for her little brother being labeled a 'loser', she'd only go if Danny was invited as well. While Dash panicked over inviting his crush to his house, Paulina weighed the pros and cons of letting her friends in on her suspicions.

Pros: She wouldn't be the only one watching out for ghostly mishaps. Kwan might be able to strike up a conversation with to find out more. They'd understand the importance of talking to Jazz not as a concern, but a necessity.

Cons: Star would feel terrible knowing one of her classmates had died. They would be just as helpless to do anything which would just make them frustrated. Dash... he would be crushed.

Yes, he'd liked a few people before Danny but this was his first true crush. He'd liked the dweeb for half a year and was trying (if failing) to actually be friends with the boy. Maybe even date him. It was a long way from not wanting anyone to see his Teddy Bear collection.

But, they were her friends and she _hated_ having anything kept from her. So she'd tell them. Nothing was for sure and that was all the more reason to have them all on the lookout.

Dash did not take it well. After landing a solid hit on Paulina's wall, they left him to sort out his feelings.

"If he's being possessed, how long can a ghost do that? And what does that mean for Danny being trapped like that?" Star asked.

Dash hit the wall again.

Since no one had answers, they made a list of questions to ask Jazz when they got her alone.

The next day, Dash went to invite Danny to the party. He was so nervous that he insulted the boy again. He'd bought a computer program from the garage sale as a silent apology.

They all saw the signs over the next couple days. Is he dead or possessed? Paulina doesn't know which would be worse. If he's dead, that's terrible but at least he's himself. If he's possessed than he can have his life back once they get rid of the ghost. But what would being trapped so long do to him?

The party was well under way with no sign of the female Fenton, much to the Queen Bee's chagrin. Feeling very stood up, her annoyance peeked when crashing could be heard from upstairs. A fight? Wild sex? Paulina didn't know or care. The music wasn't loud enough to drown it out (Dash's mother would ground him for months if they received a noise complaint) and it was more than Paulina was willing to deal with.

She encountered a panicking Dash at the bottom of the stairs. "It's Danny! I saw him go up there - I figured he just needed some air-"

A solid crash had him rushing up the stairs. Paulina stayed back to keep control of the party. Whatever was happening up there, Dash would handle it. A cry came from the window and everyone flooded to the front of the house.

The crowd parted for her until she reached the window to find a ghost fight taking place outside. The electronic-based monstrosity was at least thirteen feet tall and was throwing the ghost boy around like a chew toy. She mentally winced as 'Technus! Master of all technology!' threw the ghost boy into the ground.

A flash of movement between two houses caught her attention. Was that... yes. It was Manson and Foley. Were they here to gate crash and got caught up in this mess? She pushed aside her scorn to remember that Danny _had_ been invited and he probably told his friends. Manson was likely there to make the boy leave - she certainly wasn't there to join in.

Watching the fight, the latina noticed that the two losers were actually _helping_ the ghost boy. In the end, the ghost was sucked into the strange metal tube and the popular crowd went back to the party discussing what they'd just seen.

But Paulina waited. Those two were here to get their friend, right? So why were they just standing out there? And what was their connection to the ghost boy?

Danny walked out from between a couple houses and handed the metal tube to Foley before the three of them walked off down the street.

Why did he have that tube? Did the ghost boy give it to him? And how did Danny get over there?

Intuition struck and Paulina reviewed all the information she had.

Dash turned off the music and announced that the party was over since the ghosts had trashed his room. People shuffled off with compliments of 'nice party' and complaints of being sent home early. She pushed her way to the sound system he was slowly disabling and grabbed his shoulder. "Danny is fine. I saw him leave after the ghost attack."

He breathed a sigh of relief and squeezed her hand briefly.

Clean up for the evening would be fairly quick: put away the food, sound equipment, and lights. Vacuum up any big messes. Paulina already had a cleaning crew scheduled to finish everything the next day; she'd just add Dash's room to their duties. After all that banging, she was sure something was broken.

Major messes cleared away, they gathered in the remains of Dash's room. The four walls were standing but every piece of furniture was at least damaged if not broken. The closet door was dented and they set about removing the (luckily unharmed) teddy bear collection.

Bears safely stored in Dash's parents room, they grabbed a bunch of blankets and sleeping bags. Dash would take the couch and Kwan the floor. The girls would be returning to Paulina's mansion at midnight.

Settling carelessly across the couch, Paulina threw her feet over Dash's lap. Explaining what she had seen she drew two possible conclusions. "Either the ghost boy is possessing Danny with his permission, or Danny is the ghost boy."

"You know, it kind of makes sense." Star declared. "Think about it: the ghost boy looks about our age and he has more or less the same hair style as Danny."

Kwan brought up another point. "So why is the ghost boy fighting the other ghosts?"

To help his parents? So he can live his life in peace? Because he resents them/being one? They couldn't find any answers so they settled for watching some cop drama.

The next day saw the four friends at the mall to pick out new furniture for Dash's room (including a new purple bean bag). They grabbed an out of the way table in the food court each with orders from different restaurants. Plans were drawn up to have Jazz meet Dash for tutoring at the library in a private study room. They needed answers and if the brainiac wasn't going to accept their invitation, they'd simply invite themselves.

The next week saw no opportunities to corner the older Fenton. Her new boyfriend (an unsightly thug) was taking all her time and causing her to cancel all her appointments.

Paulina knew that people got stupid when they felt special. Hopefully, Jazz would snap out of it sooner rather than later and stop playing out every poorly written teen romance cliche.

Thankfully, it was a whirlwind affair that came to a screeching halt on Thursday. Dash was approached with frenzied apologies and a promised tutoring session on Saturday - she'd even buy coffee to make up for it. Refusing the coffee, he did accept the study session.

Arriving a half hour after Dash; Paulina, Star, and Kwan swept into the private room. Kwan stayed near the door to block any escape while the Queen Bee sat across from the wary red head. "We have questions we need answered. You're parents are the leading experts on ghosts and we need to know how to protect ourselves."

Pushing aside her protests that she didn't know much or why didn't they go to Danny or even her parents, she finally agreed to answer to the best of her ability.

"How do you stop a ghost from possessing you?"

The apologetic look in her eyes gave Paulina her answer. "I don't know that there is one. My parents might have invented or something, or maybe they will, but I haven't heard of anything that can prevent it."

"If you can't prevent it," Kwan spoke up. "can you end it? Like, get the ghost out of someone?"

Jazz didn't know that either.

So what about a ghost possessing another ghost? Not possible. The brainiac gave some scientific explanation for how that wasn't possible since it would be like two people occupying the same space. Dash and Star showed visible relief - Danny wasn't dead.

Could two ghosts possess one person? Maybe. It would be like two people in a phone booth - one of them would probably leave.

They learned a bit more about ectoplasm and how ghosts came to be. Powers apparently varied as much as back stories and obsessions - Jazz even shared that her boyfriend had actually been a ghost whose power lied in his shadow. She didn't have an answer for whether him seeming human was a disguise or if some ghosts just looked more alive.

They ended on a question about the ghost boy. Jazz didn't really care. She didn't want to be involved in her parents work and ignored all ghosts whenever possible.

Saying good-bye, Dash had another tutoring session set up for Monday and Jazz promised to pass along any information about protecting themselves from ghosts.

The four of them sat around the study table to digest the new information. So Danny was being possessed by the ghost boy, (probably) voluntarily. Why? What was the point in possessing him rather than just meeting up? Did it make a ghost more powerful?

There was no way to know and Paulina had no desire to waste time on questions there were no answers to. And then Dash brought up an interesting point.

"If Danny has ghost powers, why hasn't he beat me up?"

They tossed around several ideas (including Danny possibly having a crush on the quarterback) before settling on the most likely conclusion: Danny didn't want to draw attention to himself.

If they wanted to help him, they needed to maintain the status quo.

Dash frowned at the idea of continuing to bully his crush. He felt bad enough when that was his knee jerk reaction and was trying to have a decent conversation with the boy. Star pointed out that between the unwritten rules and Danny's access to ghost powers, Dash couldn't really hurt him. If he shoved his crush into a locker, the guy could just walk back out.

Unsatisfied, Dash gave in. All he seemed capable of was insulting the other male, anyway.

Paulina and Star exchanged a glance at his self-depreciation but didn't say anything. The latina silently reflected that what they were now doing for Fenton was a lot like what she was doing for Manson.

The next day, the Queen Bee decided to take subtle action: if you wanted information you went to Becky; if you wanted to spread information around, you went to Hayden.

"So, a rumor that the ghost boy is on our side? Not your usual style. You know something we don't?"

Glaring at him with a glance out of the corner of her eyes, she dismissed him.

"Yeesh. Don't have to take my soul. I'll spread the rumor. It's interesting at least. But if something comes up, you let me in on it."

She considered it for a brief moment. Hayden was a powerful ally but in the end, "It's not my secret."

. . . .

Episodes: What You Want = Attack of the Killer Garage Sale = 13


	9. 8 Halloween

Danny slamming into the ladder after being nowhere in the hall a moment ago was the most obvious sign of him being involved with ghosts Kwan had ever seen.

Luckily for all parties involved, Dash diverted all attention from how Danny got there to how dead he was that the jock's newly arrived letterman was now covered in purple paint. Before things could escalate to a full-on fist fight (which Dash would have regretted no matter how angry he was in the moment) Lancer came down the hall.

Instead of straight up giving them detention, they'd compete to make the scariest room at the teacher's haunted house. Kwan considered this a good deal until the two started betting. Either Dash would end up running through the parking lot naked or Danny had to eat his dirty gym socks. Either way, his best friend had once again stuffed his foot into his mouth.

The next day found Dash brainstorming ideas for a 'scary room' that wasn't some generic zombies or vampires when Star suggested sports injuries. "A lot of things can go wrong and if you take every injury to the extreme, you could make some scary mannequins."

Kwan adds in the mannequins in and of themselves are creepy and stares in awe at his girlfriend. She's so creative and beautiful.

They set to work on basic designs and props but they need something to really set it apart.

"Danny has a real ghost to help him - there's no way his room isn't going to be frightening! How can I beat him?" Dash complains and Paulina suggests some animatronics and makes a few calls. An electrical engineer shows up on Saturday to help them piece together gears and wires inside of their puppets made of discarded mannequins and flour sacks filled with cotton.

Dash watches carefully knowing he'll have to do at least some of this himself and finds that the gears and rods make sense to him. The engineer lets him install a couple pieces himself before double checking the work. "You're pretty good at this stuff. You work on cars at all?"

Dash doesn't but he feels pride at having a knack for something.

Star, in yet another show of brilliance and ingenuity, takes to wiring like she's been doing it for years and hums away as she brings everything to life. He spends a full minute staring at her in pure contentment before Paulina drags him back to painting the finished puppets green with purple blood.

They don't finish everything that day, but most of what's left is finishing touches and Dash's exhibit on 'The Horrors of Athlete's Foot'.

Kwan smiles as he walks Star home in perfect contentment with the state of the world. Dash was so exciting to find something he's good at, something he doesn't struggle to understand, that he's taking the engineer's suggestion to learn auto mechanics and will start looking for a course he can take.

Halloween comes around with green skies and more monsters than Kwan has even seen in cartoons. He was already on his way to meet Star and Paulina before they checked out Dash's finished work so he grabs a golf club out of an abandoned caddy and starts fighting his way towards where Star should be.

There's too many of them and Kwan ends up fending off a zombie dog and something he can only describe as a carnivorous marshmallow from attacking a mother and son when all the monsters suddenly change back into random objects. Kwan doesn't question the change or where the monsters came from in the first place - he just runs (still holding onto the golf club - just in case) until he finds Star. she's got a small scrape on her left palm from tripping but is otherwise fine.

He holds her close and reassures himself that she's unharmed and safe. The worst part of the ghosts is what they might do to Star. Yes, it's bad when anyone gets hurt. But, if it were Star...

Kwan can feel a simmer of rage so unlike him at just the thought so he pushes it aside. Star is safe, and in his arms, and Paulina has just found them with her fists tightly clenched and he knows just by looking at her that a nail is broken (or at least damaged) despite the calm mask of her face.

Star checks both of her best friend's hands and find the ring finger of her right hand is a jagged mess. Paulina looks straight ahead the entire time with a forced stoicism that Kwan admires. She's panicking but out in public, she won't let anyone see.

They part ways so that Star can fix Paulina's nails and Kwan can check on Dash.

He finds his best friend outside of the Haunted House and discovers that whatever had happened, had started from there. They don't know all the details, but they're sure that Danny had something ghostly for his exhibit that backfired. Kwan frowns in irritation. Danny had put Star in danger for a silly bet and a chance to avoid detention.

Dash wins by default even though he clearly has the better room but they don't dwell on it. They arrive at Star's house for their pre-approved sleepover (where the boys and girls will sleep in separate rooms for the night) to find Star putting away her nail supplies and Paulina scrutinizing the blue acrylics.

They watch Friday the Thirteenth and its first sequel while munching on popcorn and a mix bag of Halloween candy.

Maybe they won't always be so lucky and one of them will be harmed by the specters that now haunt their streets; but, for now, Kwan relishes in having his friends safe and sound and smiles when Star catches his eye.

They have each other and that's more than enough to face all the ghosts in the world.

And in Amity, they may just have to.

* * *

Episode: Fright Knight

 **AN/: I finally received a new USB Adapter and can resume writing. Please bear with me as I amass a few chapters before regular updates resume.**

 **That being said, I found myself extremely disheartened and baffled by the lack of response last chapter. A total of 8 reviews when I finally give you the ghost boy. Eight! I thought that was a chapter that would have lots of buzz and give me a good gauge on how people liked the A-Lister's conclusions and course of action but instead, received far less feedback than previous chapters.**

 **P.S. Please do not leave a simple 'update soon' just for the sake of reviewing. If that's all you have to say, it's more annoying than inspiring and will not prompt me to work any faster.**

 **Please, just tell me what you think. The good, the bad, or the ugly.**

 **Edit: No, I will not be going on hiatus. I just need time to actually get something written.  
**


	10. Interlude: Rehab

_So, this chapter got away from me. A lot._

 _It is the longest single chapter I've written for anything and I regret nothing. It was twenty-eight pages in word and 13,700+ words.I can't promise more chapters this length but I certainly hope it was worth the wait._

 _I sincerely want to thank every last reviewer who took the time to appease my petty concerns. (And yes, I'm well aware that asking for reviews is petty.) Thanks to the constructive feedback, I've shifted my focus when writing to include more character interaction and expanding on their issues. Hopefully this has addressed many of the concerns that were brought to my attention and has improved the overall quality of the fic._

 _This story will go on but in light of this interlude, I've had to rearrange the storyline. If I said a certain event was coming, don't hold me too closely to that. It's all shifted for the better._

 _Ghostwriter Jr: Please say you have an account. I truly loved your review and wanted to discuss the points you brought up in detail. Please give me a way to write back to you._

 **With all that ranting out of the way, I just want to say thank you to each and every reader out there. Without you, this story could never be a success. As several reviewers reminded me, to have a story that doesn't star Danny be a success is amazing and it's thanks to all of you. I hope to continue this anomaly of a story and prove that 'fringe fics' can go mainstream.**

 _As music is part of Star's journey, there is a complete list of songs mentioned at the end._

* * *

Rubbing her necklace with her thumb, Star pulled her suitcase into her room for the next eight weeks. It was small; not enough room for her to lie down longways and the sheets on the bed screamed inferior thread count. The saving grace was not having a roommate and the window past the foot of the bed which overlooked a courtyard.

She emptied her possessions into the under bed drawers; putting aside toiletries and pictures on the small desk by the window. Lastly, she took out the blue teddy bear, Irvine, imparted to her by Dash. Promised to hug her back and shield her tears from the world - just in case.

Her suitcase was taken away and she was led to the commissary - an open room with a tv on one side, panoramic windows open to a field, and a few tables surrounded by red and yellow armchairs.

Star scanned the teens already lounging around with a spec of distaste before making her way to the window. She didn't want to associate with any of these people more than she had to.

"Hey, newbie, what you in for?" A dirty blonde swaggered around the couch.

To ignore or not to ignore? Well, who knew what these crazy people might do if she were on their bad side.

"Eating disorder." she finally mumbled before returning her attention out the window.

"Cool. That's what Bethany is in for, too. There's going to be a whole group of you."

A whole group? Star supposed that didn't sound too bad. At least she wouldn't be spending all her time with kleptomaniacs and who knows what else people got thrown in here for.

"Not much of a talker, are you? That's ok - you'll loosen up." the willowy girl gave a chesire grin that made Star scowl. "So what's your name, Sunshine? I'm Ashley. Self appointed Lord of All that is Awesome."

Sunshine? Yeah, the nicknames would have to stop before they could get worse. "Star."

"Star? Like make a wish on a shooting star? Huh, I would've thought something like Sarah, or Megan. You know, uber generic white girl." Star glared and Ashley brought her palms up in front of her chest. "Hey, down girl. I'm just saying."

Huffing, Star turned back to the window, rubbing her necklace. Maybe the other girl would take the hint and leave. She didn't think it was likely but hoped nonetheless.

"So, is this your first time in a crazy bin? It's ok if it is. You get used to things pretty fast."

"Of course it's her first time." A lanky brunette joined the two. He was tall; the tallest Star had ever encountered.

"How are you so sure?" Ashley asked.

"Oh please, she reeks of 'I'm not like the rest of you and the moment I'm done with this stupid program I'm going back to my normal life. I don't deserve to be here and I'm not going to talk to the crazy people who _should_ be here'."

He sneered down at her.

Ashley playfully backhanded his arm. "Hey, she could just be anti-social."

"With a name like Star? She's a WASP. Probably one of the popular kids and everything." He offered a leering smirk at Star's glare. "Welcome to loserville, princess. No social ladder to save you from contamination."

"So what? I'm not here to make friends - I'm here to get better so that my friends don't worry about me."

"You mean so they don't kick you out of the clique. I'll give you some friendly advice: don't go back to the popular kids. They're not anyone's friends."

Star narrowed her eyes. How dare this prick pass judgement without knowing anything. "You have no idea what you're talking about. My friends want me to be 'ok' because they care about me."

"You mean they care about their social status." He cocked his head, daring her to continue.

Star clenched her fists at her side before huffing softly. She didn't have to listen to some socially impared nutcase talk about things he didn't understand.

Resolutely turning back to the window, she wondered how long it would really take for Saturday to roll around so she could see Kwan.

Did she want to see Kwan?

She frowned and contemplated further. Coming here was part of making herself worthy of Kwan - deserving of her place on his pedestal. Did she want to see him so soon?

The brunette 'tsk'ed beside her before muttering, "Arrogant brat."

Mouth open in offense and disbelief, Star turned towards his retreating figure. "What did you just call me?"

He craned his oblong neck over his shoulder. "You heard me."

Fire ignited, Star drew herself up and stalked over to the baby giraffe ignoring Ashley's 'Oh, boy.'

"You don't know the first thing you're talking about. You think you can just diss my friends and pass judgment on me with your holier-than-thou attitude? Just because the popular kids at your school had better taste than to hang out with such a sour, self-important douche; doesn't tell you anything about my friends and what kind of people they are. If anyone is arrogant here, it's you."

"Oh really, princess? Popular kids are all the same. Once they realize you're _defective_ , that's the end of it. Did they make promises to come visit?" He mocked in a baby voice before scoffing. "Don't hold your breath."

Fists clenched, Star resisted the urge to growl. "My friends are coming on Saturday. Just because nobody wanted to see you, doesn't mean I'm in the same boat."

He tenses up and Star feels her stomach twist, fire fading. Suddenly she's very aware that she's crossed a line she shouldn't have.

"You Bitc-"

"Nate!" Ashley calls, rushing between them with her hands up in surrender. "Calm down. You don't want the orderlies involved, do you?"

He pins her with a hard stare before shooting one last glare at Star. He slouches as he releases the tension in his limbs and stalks off to a chess board on the far side of the room, hands deep in his pockets.

"I'm sorry about him." Ashley sheepishly rubs the back of her neck in an apologetic manner. "He's really opposed to 'popular kids' and shouldn't have taken it out on you. That said..." She pins Star with an icy glare that doesn't suit her. "You were out of line. Visitors here are a rare thing and not something everyone has. If your friends show up, good for you. But don't go flaunting it. That's your first lesson in crazy house etiquette."

Star gives a slow nod and Ashley breaks into a fierce grin. "Perfect! Now, what kind of music do you listen to? I recently got iPod privileges and you've just got to listen to the 'Rise Against' album my sister put on it."

And just like that, she's dragged to a couch where a mousey brunette is sketching away at what looks like a bird before having an ear bud shoved in her face. "I don't really know who Rise Against is..." she murmurs while tucking it in.

"That's ok. I'll educate you on good music."

A fast beat starts up that reminds Star of angry ballads her cousin would blast while half aware and for a moment she's back there. Jake angrily ranting and the pressure of a strangled hope that she's helping grips her heart. She shakes it off and pulls out the ear bud. "Sorry. It's not my kind of music."

"And what? Brittany Spears is? I'm not buying it. No one in here is that shallow and wholesome. You just need to find the right angry ballad to scream your pain at the world. Here, we'll try something a little less angsty."

Star gives her a dubious look but resigns herself to trying more of this music. It starts slow before a fast beat joins over the first. There are two singers, one crooning and one rapping. It's like nothing she's listened to before and although she's not sure she likes it, it's not so bad and it doesn't bring up the crippling anxiety the other song had summoned.

"Lincoln Park is classic. Ooh! I know! This one is perfect for anyone just getting in touch with their emo side." The song switches halfway through to a more syncopated rhythm and doesn't seem so different from the last one. Then, the singer comes in, and she understands.

The crooning singer is back speaking of conforming to someone else's ideas when you just want to be yourself. Feeling suffocated and trying to walk a path that doesn't suit you. It's not perfect and it's not like it spells out her life story, but she understands and it's like a pressure she didn't know is lifted off her chest as words are put to a feeling she didn't know she had.

Something must have shown on her face because Ashley is suddenly going, "Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about!" in the middle of the second chorus.

Ashley takes her through several more bands and several more songs before she declares 'chow-time' and drags Star to a large cafeteria.

An orderly approaches her before she can get food and she's taken aside only to have the same routine she's fallen into with her friends described to her. The orderly marches her to the bathroom and she won't be allowed near one again for two hours - right before they send her to bed. It's demeaning but she accepts it and gets her hospital dinner of whole wheat pizza and string beans. Lovely.

She's finally allowed to take a seat with Ashley (because she knows the other girl would have dragged her over regardless) who's sharing a table with grouchy giraffe, the mousey girl who was drawing, and three assorted others who weren't in the commissary.

Apparently she's not the only new one and a basic breakdown of the center is given. There are three wings: shared rooms for low key patients, singles for patients to be watched or patients who refuse to share, and the unstable ward who are kept separate from the rest. Surprise, surprise - Ashley and Nate have both spent time in the last.

Rave (who Star is fairly certain isn't really named that) says that there's gonna be a total of ten people in 'Learning to Eat' Camp. Six are here already. (Star, Bethany across the room, Talin - who waves shyly from under his robin's egg hair, Rach - no 'el', and two others somewhere in the hall named Booth and Lena.)

There won't be more details until tomorrow morning but from past experience Camp will probably go 'group with camp', 'group with others', individual sessions, camp team building, and various self confidence exercises thrown in.

Talin softly asks if the orderlies are always going to stare at them when they eat and Nate answers 'No shit.' like it's the dumbest question he's heard all day.

Rach, it turns out, has been here for three weeks and may be here after camp for 'various reasons'. Lena is another 'term resident' that's going to camp.

A new girl shows up towards the end of dinner and Ashley quickly drags the blonde into their circle and strikes up a conversation. Yes, she's here for camp. No, she's never been to a crazy house before. No, she's not some popular princess who thinks she's better than everyone else. (Three guesses who the last comment's from and who it was truly aimed at.)

After dinner is 'don't make trouble' time where they retreat to the commissaries. They're allowed a half hour of phone use (supervised) which Star quickly takes advantage of. She first calls home to tell her parents that she's settled in ok and no, the crazy people aren't bothering her. (Even if the last part isn't entirely true.)

Next, she starts dialing Kwan before second guessing herself. She wants to feel comforted and loved and be reassured that she can do this.

But.

She wants to show him how amazing she can be after her transformation. A true brilliance that he can turn that look of wonder upon and Star can know she deserves it.

She calls Paulina.

Assuring her friend that she's ok and, despite the horrible room and annoying crazy people, she doesn't want to leave yet.

Kwan misses her already but Dash is keeping him occupied (at least for tonight) and Paulina bought a new blue/purple sparkle that she's testing on her toes to see which color it will compliment best.

Star brings up her thoughts on Kwan and her best friend says not to push him out too early. They're still coming this weekend, and while Star may not want him to come every weekend, not seeing each other the entire time she's up there will make them both miserable. Star agrees.

Just as they're gaining steam about a drama they'd been watching (Paulina was going to record all the episodes she was missing), the orderly gestures that time is up and they say their good-byes.

She spends the rest of the night watching cartoons (picked by a gruff boy named Roland) before they're all shuffled off to get ready for bed at 9:00. Lights out will be at 9:15 and this is Star's only chance to use the bathroom (with the orderly again listening outside the door.)

She curls up in inferior sheets, holds Irvine close, and tries to push away the fear. There's no more distractions as she lays in the cramped, unfamiliar room with no clue of what's coming tomorrow or what the other kids in 'camp' will be like or when she can just _be healthy_ and leave this place early.

But she can't and she doesn't have any answers.

She holds Irvine closer and wonders what Dash is doing right now. If Irvine is for hiding tears and making you feel safe, does Dash miss him right now? And what about Paulina's nails? They do them together at least once a month and despite doing so only three days ago, she desperately wants to return to normal and do it again.

She wants to be spread out across Paulina's over sized mattress with various colors strewn over the comforter as they decide what just the right combination is and celebrity gossip carries through the background. She wants to be back in Dash's room with the greasy foods she only admits she loves to her best friends and comfortable talks strewn among teddy bears about everything and anything - comfortable only because of good company and plushy hugs. And -

And she misses Kwan.

Her soul aches with the weight of it and she can't comprehend him _not_ being there come Saturday. She wants to be wrapped in his arms with the assurance that she is perfect and everything good and strong and wonderful in the whole world. She wants to be tucked against his side, dozing as Paulina conducts meetings of the elites and organizes parties and hang-outs and effortlessly has the school chasing after her whims.

She wants Kwan to smile like she's an angel come to bless him by her mere presence and she wants to give him twenty bucks so he can spend the day treating her like a princess. She wants to be every bit as perfect as his eyes tell her she is.

But she isn't.

And that's why she has to stay here and fight through it. For every smile, every look of devotion - she was going to be worth it. First step: become strong enough that she wouldn't hurt him again. She could do anything to him: hit him, scream at him, tell him to get lost; but seeing her hurt-

Knowing that she had made him _cry_ because she was hurting-

She needed to get better so that she never caused him pain like that again. She needed to get strong enough so that she knew she was everything he saw in her.

So she needed to stay. No matter how much she just wished she was wrapped in his arms instead of wrapping her own around a skinny bear.

The next day was better and worse. Ashley had apparently decided they were friends now and was at her side all throughout breakfast letting out a low whistle at the packed schedule Star was handed. "They're keeping Camp busy. Ugh. You have Haines for personal. I'd suggest not bringing up any relationships to him. He thinks they're always unhealthy and will prod you to break up 'for your own good'. I'd put in a request for someone else as soon as possible. Say you'd rather have a female to talk to one-on-one. That it would make you more comfortable."

With that warning, she warily followed an orderly alongside Talin and Bethany to a large room decorated with motivational posters and eleven folding chairs in a circle. Rach was already there alongside an asian boy Star didn't recognize.

No one seemed particularly interested in talking which suited Star just fine as she examined her navy blue manicure with silver-white stars. It would start chipping in a week or so and she wondered how she'd be able to take it off or if they'd even give her the option. Nail polish remover didn't seem like a substance they'd just casually hand over to a patient.

A red head in a yellow, no sleeved, turtle-neck sweater and khakis holding a clip board took a seat three chairs to Star's left and she could only assume this was Doctor Tara Singleton. A low ponytail and simple black leather wrist watch made her look sensible and Star forcefully pushed away her instinctual dislike of a _therapist_ and tried to give her a chance. She seemed reasonable enough and her sense of style wasn't _completely_ stuffy. At the least, she hadn't worn in a lab coat.

A few minutes later the last of the chairs were filled up with Talin on her left and an unfamiliar girl with long black pigtails on her right.

They started with introductions. Name, something about themselves, why they're here, and what they hoped to accomplish by the end of their stay.

The first was Bethany who liked poetry and wanted to 'not suck'.

Next was the asian guy she'd seen earlier. His name was Hiro, he liked video games, and wanted his parents to be proud of him.

Shauna (the blonde from dinner the previous night) wanted to leave because she 'had everything under control' but fine, she was bisexual and anyone who didn't like it could shove their opinion 'where the sun don't shine' - only in more expletives.

Star gave the therapist credit for not telling the girl to 'fix her language' or do anything other than nod in acceptance and make a note. Maybe not so bad.

Tori was paper thin and made Star's skin crawl. She was clearly the worst case there. She was a fan of musicals and had to choke back a sob when she declared that she wanted to not be so weak. It sounded more like a helpless prayer.

Booth was a punk with a nose stud, two piercings on his left brow, three on the top of his right ear, and upside down crosses hanging from where Star had heart shaped studs. He liked heavy metal and wanted people to leave him alone.

Rach had a knack for finding things that weren't hers (she snickered and the girl on Star's right muttered 'Klepto'.) She wanted to get out of this place one day but, beggars can't be choosers...

The girl next to her was Lena who had hopes of one day 'being a productive member of society'. The sarcasm in that statement delegated any sincerity it might have otherwise had and finally added that she liked smoking and couldn't wait to get out of here so she could 'get some real stress relief'.

Star introduced herself as liking tv dramas and painting nails with her best friend. Her declaration of wanting to leave here as 'someone worthy of being worshipped' got many disbelieving looks and a few scoffs of derision. She didn't care. If she was going to become a better person, than she couldn't lie about who she was now.

Talin confessed to being emo in the 'cultural movement' way and not just the 'I'm depressed' way and Star honestly didn't know the difference. His goal was to get better.

Lastly was a short girl with a platinum pixie cut. Max was sixteen, not twelve, and didn't appreciate being treated like a child regardless of how she looked. She wanted to be 'stronger than this'.

The therapist introduced herself as 'Just Tara will do.' , had a certain enjoyment for sunflower seeds and corny romance movies, and became a therapist because, 'While caring for someone's physical health is noble, without a sound mind it all counts for nothing.'

She started a question and answer session where, hands raised, they could ask another member of the group to clarify something or for more information about themselves, herself included. They were encouraged to respond but not required.

Rach was the first one called and immediately asked Star about being worshipped.

"I want my boyfriend to worship the ground I walk on and not feel like I'm cheating him. I want to be everything he thinks I am."

Red-brown curls moving in time with her snickers, Rach declares that she likes Star.

Questions mostly turned towards each others' interests; getting comfortable before having to face the six cases of anorexia and four cases of bulimia that was the elephant in the room. Or elephants. Whatever. Star didn't care too much about the metaphor.

They would have group sessions Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half before going outside for some 'team building and self-esteem exercises' with Doctor Michael Hosenburg or, Doc H.

He was middle aged with a slight bear belly and an overall warm demeanor that made the silly exercises he put them through slightly more bearable. He let them go early with well wishes for them to relax until lunch at eleven-thirty.

Afternoons were full of individual sessions. All of them would have hour long turns with the art therapist, Greg Mallory, twice a week (Wednesday and Fridays for Star) and the individual therapists would be giving them initial evals today and tomorrow. How often they'd meet with them would depend on these evaluations but for now they'd each see them twice a week for the first two weeks. (Monday and Thursday for Star.) This meant that they each had one afternoon entirely off per week, at least to start, and Star was pleased to be sharing her day off with Talin.

Monday and Wednesday would have the first hour free before two hour group sessions with a mixed group including kids who weren't part of Camp.

Friday would have even more self-esteem and team building as well as nutrition classes.

On the third week they'd hold an optional 'family session' where any parents or siblings would be invited to sort through problems together. Star decided not to bring this up to her parents.

They were all given pages of personality tests and questionnaires that Lena advised them to 'try and sound normal' on. How did you sound normal vs not normal on a question about how much you liked reading? Star resigned herself to writer's cramp and being as honest as she could. To get better, she had to know what was wrong in the first place.

Half the group was called out at one point or another for initial meeting with their therapists. Star sat down in Dr. Haines office massaging her wrist and eying every corner with suspicion. It wasn't a bad office, per say, but Ashley's warning rung in her ears. If this guy was going to declare her relationship with Kwan as 'wrong'...

The session was stiff and impersonal. Star couldn't put her finger on it but there was something cold and detached about him that just rubbed her the wrong way.

She goes with Ashley that night down to reception and requests a female therapist.

Mixed group the next day is different. There's twelve of them (five from camp, five term residents, and two from the unstable ward who might move to term soon.) Rach is there. Max, Booth, and Hiro from group. The mousey drawing girl who she finally learns is named Ealani or 'just Ee-ah'. Nate is there too, sneering across the way. He'd taken one look at her and sat as far across the way as possible.

Introductions go much like last time but issues are more varied and term residents are more comfortable talking about it. It's routine for them and Star resists the urge to fidget. Listening to their pain is vaguely like listening to Jake except more sarcastic and she knows it's not up to her to save them.

Ea is here for depression and some minor heroin use. Star's eyebrow nearly catch her hairline. The quite girl before her doesn't suit her image of a 'druggie' at all.

Nate is here for 'being a fuck up' but clarifies at prodding from Doc H (who Star is more than comfortable with running the sessions). He's in here because suicide is not an option and beating up his problems didn't fix things either. He's done a bit of everything ranging from cutting, minor drug use, arson, to egging someone's house. He's apparently 'Borderline', whatever that means, and has been in and out of the bin for the last couple years.

Doc H asks why they think they have the issues they have. Rach says she steals things because she wants attention and wouldn't do it if someone would just love her. She's rolling her eyes and fluttering her lashes at an imaginary lover and it reeks of Rach not believing that at all.

Max probably has the most helpful answer when she says, "I'm here because my behavior is wrong. No matter what I feel, there should be better ways to deal with it than refusing to eat."

Roland (all dreadlocks and attitude) says that if his father had stayed he wouldn't be like this and it sounds like an excuse he's used a hundred times over.

And that's all Star can see it as. Paulina was right on the money when she said that Star was responsible for her own actions. No one _made_ her do it.

Roland's absent father didn't _make_ him do cocaine or beat up kids in parking lots.

Star considers her answer carefully. Why did she do it? The best she can find is, "I wanted to be more perfect." , but there's something more there that she can't quite pinpoint.

That afternoon she has her first meeting with the art therapist and he takes her to a room of mirrors. It reminds her of the dance studio where she once picked Paulina up for a sleepover except three of the walls are covered instead of just one.

He gives her a pack of mirror markers and tells her to draw what she feels.

She's never brazenly defaced property before (even if it will wash away) so she's hesitant as she draws a flower. She makes it about eye level and as she steps back from the mirror, she moves until it looks like it's sitting in her hair. She stares at herself and wonders if this is right. If she looks right or if she's pretty enough and before she knows it she's marking up the space in front of her with arrows led from insults, x's and slashes to hide the parts she doesn't want to see. Wild zig zags stretch around the mess she's made and stepping back, Star lines herself up as best she can and feels pressure build in her chest.

The image in the mirror is marred and screaming despite the silence in the room and the small flower she started with feels like a cover up, or maybe the one small piece of good. She feels like Kwan is staring at the flower and doesn't notice the rest of the noise.

Greg talks to her about what she sees and what he sees and why did she draw it the way she did. She leaves the session feeling raw and tired.

She's shuffled off almost immediately to Dr. Singleton's office to see if she's a better fit. The session with Tara is better than Dr. Haines but she just feels too raw. She ends up talking about her session with Greg and how scared she is from all the anger poured into the mirror. She didn't realize there was so very much to hate. Her weight wasn't the only thing and she doesn't want to know what else is wrong with her.

Tara gives a gentle prod that it's not what's wrong with her, but what she's still learning to love. It rings hollow but Tara means no harm so Star lets it sit there.

Star talks about Paulina a bit and how much her friend hates her nails. She wonders if the nails are the only thing her friend hates about herself and finds the answer without searching. She's sure it isn't but the latina is too strong and too prideful to ever be ruled by such insecurities. Paulina would sooner crush her issues into dust beneath her heel than be a slave to anything.

Does that make her nails a coping mechanism?

Tara thinks it might be but it sounds like her friend is handling things in a healthy manner.

They end the session there and Star will be meeting her on Tuesday and Thursday which leaves Monday as her free day. She'll have to figure out who shares that.

Thursday is back to group and Tara invites them to talk about their families and friends.

Tori breaks down talking about how her parents don't even see her. A year ago her dog died and she had to bury him in the yard by herself. Her mother had asked a week later where the dog was and gave a small 'too bad' when she heard what had happened before leaving for a party. She's fairly certain that if the hospital hadn't called about her collapse, her parents still wouldn't know something was wrong.

Star can't imagine her parents not seeing her like that. They're busy socialites with multiple business ventures, but they always make sure to have dinner with her when they can and once a month there's 'family day' where they'll go somewhere together and just have a good time.

Especially since Jake.

If Star ever started locking her parents out, they would have called for professional help immediately.

Max does ballet and the peer pressure to be lighter, better, stronger, more flexible... it's baffling to Star. She knows Paulina works hard as a cheerleader and a dancer but her friend is always the one who expects the most out of herself. Others' opinions would never hold so much sway but for Max, ballet is her world and being light as a feather is so integral to the art form that not eating was an obvious choice.

But it's become a disaster. If she doesn't change her ways, she may never dance again and lack of nutrition could stop her from walking by the age of thirty.

It feels like ice water washes down her spine as Star realizes the long term _consequences_ of what they're doing.

Lunch has Ea questioning the necklace star is once again rubbing smooth. "What is that? It looks kinda like a weird question mark."

"It's half a heart. My boyfriend got it for our anniversary."

Nate snorts down the table and Star shoots him a glare. "Anniversary? So you're talking like, one month, right? That's cute and all, but don't expect him to be waiting when you get out."

"For your information, it was for our one _year_ anniversary. Kwan will be there."

"Ooh! Is this the boyfriend who worships the ground you walk on?" Rach buts in.

"Worships the ground you walk on? Stop flattering yourself, princess. No one waits for people outside the crazy house. Either they end up in here with you or they realize you're not worth the effort."

Star grips the edge of the table to stop herself from throwing something at him. "I am worth everything to Kwan. He promised me forever and that's exactly what he's going to give me."

"Forever?" Nate snorts. "Think rather highly of yourself, don't you princess."

Star draws up every bit of haughty assurance that comes with being the top of the social ladder. "Some of us just know our place in the world."

"You pretentious little-"

"Nate!" Ashley calls and pushes his shoulder to stop him from rising out of his seat. "It's not worth it." She makes a pointed glance at the orderly. He scarfs down a few more bites of his half eaten lunch before stalking off.

It's after dinner that Star finds herself on a loveseat with Ashley exploring more music. They're half way through a song about a fatal love that's sad and sweet when the other girl exclaims, "Oh! I can't believe I didn't think of it before! Avril Lavigne. You've probably heard a couple of her more pop songs from the charts but she's perfect for you. Here."

A new song starts playing. A ballad of feeling alone and wanting someone to find her. It's good but not even half way through, Ashley switches it again.

Soft guitar picks up to talk of being strong and how she doesn't need to be with him near. How his words echo through her head and she just wants him to be there. Not even through the first chorus Star finds tears streaming down her face and forces herself not to straight out bawl so she can make out the rest of the song. It's everything she's feeling and she feels the loss of Kwan's arms around her more succinctly than even that first night.

Ashley pauses the song panicking over her tears but Star simply reaches for the iPod and presses play again. "It's perfect."

She puts it on repeat a couple times and lets herself break down to the soft rock and wishes for Kwan to be there.

Ashley's arm lays gently across her shoulder and when she finally lets the song fade out and pauses any more from playing, she wipes her eyes and turns to the crazy girl she might actually call a friend.

"Thank you."

She dives into the pyromaniac's (and that had been both more and less surprising than Star thought it would be) music stores with new vigor. She understands. The angry songs, the longing ones, she feels them in her breath and bones and searches out for more songs that resonate with who she truly is.

Ashley is content to let her browse; adding her two cents on whether she likes a certain song, tid bits about the band, or suggesting others Star might like.

That night Star falls asleep with that first song ringing in her head and an appreciation for music she's never had before. She doesn't think she'll ever like all the songs Jake used to, but she understands why they were on and wonders when they stopped letting him feel through them. It must have hurt terribly for the things that used to sooth you not to work anymore.

Star decided that music was never going to lose meaning to her. She'd have to show Kwan some of her new favorite songs when he came by on Saturday.

Friday passed in a haze except for nutrition class scaring the bejeezes out of her with all the negative consequences of eating disorders. The next seven weeks would focus on how to eat healthy.

Star was determined to get it right and not end up a mess ever again.

Visiting hours weren't until after lunch and nervous energy bubbled under her skin. Doubt crept in and Nate's ear bug of 'they aren't coming' was impossible to shake. But they had promised and she had talked to Dash just last night about how they were bringing a couple board games and a six pack of strawberry soda for her.

Lunch was just wrapping up when an orderly led her friends into the cafeteria. Ignoring everyone around her, Star was out of her seat and flinging herself into Kwan's broad chest. He stumbled back a step but she didn't worry; he'd never let her fall. She clung to him, feet off the ground, and breathed in his presence like a balm to her weary soul. He was here.

When she started to draw back he gently placed her on the floor and she finally turned to look at her best friends. Paulina was wearing a blue halter dress that brought out her eyes and complimented her silver nails and Dash was carrying board games, soda, and Kumo the Listening Bear.

She beamed at them and laced her fingers with Kwan's in perfect contentment.

"I brought a set of nail polish but we'll have to be under supervision if you want to do that." Paulina states. Star can't help feeling like nothing's changed and it's almost like she's not in rehab at all.

Almost.

Rach has made her way over, bouncing on the balls of her feet, and examines Kwan up and down. "So this is the boyfriend who worships the ground you walk on? Pretty fine, if you ask me." She turns her attention to Dash and lets out a small whistle. "You single?" She asks and Star simply rolls her eyes.

Rach isn't serious and as amusing as it is to see Dash blush and flounder for a response, she prods him to "Just be honest. No one in here is going to judge anyone for anything because we've all got issues." And saying 'we' is somehow the most important part of that sentence.

The football player blinks at that for a moment before shyly coughing and looking away. He scuffs his foot, glances away from everyone, and quietly declares, "I'm gay." It's the first time he's said it so publicly and Star can't help but feel pride for him.

Ashley stares with jaw dropped before, "That's hot." and Dash turns into a fire engine. "So, aren't you gonna introduce us to Mr. Forever?"

She can feel Kwan beaming at the impromptu nickname and agrees with the sentiment. "Dash, Paulina, Kwan, this is Rach, Ashley, Talin, and Ea." She gestures to the four who've come over to check out her friends. "Guys, this is my best friend, Paulina, my gay friend, Dash, and my boyfriend, Kwan."

Dash looks slightly uncomfortable with the introduction but doesn't say anything against it.

Nate slinks over, hands in pockets, half a head taller than Kwan and Dash (who amazingly always seem to be within an inch two of each others' height). "So this is Mr. Perfect. Do you know she talks about you like some love sick slave who's just there to worship her?" He mocks.

It doesn't have the intended effect when Kwan just beams brighter. "She does? I'm so glad she sees it that way!" He smiles down at her and Star feels a moment of perfect contentment. However goofy that statement sounds to others, she knows he's perfectly sincere and ecstatic that they're on the same page. Even more so that she tells it like that without any shame or discomfort. She knows he worries about putting too much pressure on her.

Nate's face is twisted into a sneer of 'you've got to be kidding me' when she looks at him in triumph. He glares at her before drawling, "If your set on worshiping her, get down on your knees right now and declare her perfection. Or is that too _demeaning_ for you?"

Star seethes at the attempted mockery but knows that Kwan will do it, if only to prove his devotion to Star.

"I won't." He speaks softly and Star looks at him in shock. He's wearing the same small, sad smile he had back in seventh grade when he first said he wouldn't date her. "I want to, truly. I'd love nothing more than to tell her how wonderful she is. But she asked me not to. She said that she was going to get better so that she deserves every word I say. It doesn't matter that I think she's perfect. This is about her and until she's ready to believe in her own perfection, I won't trouble her with my opinion."

Star brings a hand to her mouth and doesn't know if she wants to laugh or cry. Maybe both. That is so Kwan and so perfect and the most loving way anyone can ever be told that their boyfriend won't say 'I love you' on the face of the earth.

Nate seems too floored to continue attacking and slinks off silently.

"Wow." Rach breaks the silence. "You were not kidding about being worshiped. Have you ever considered that he belongs in here too?"

She lets out a small laugh and guides her friends to a corner of the commissary. They play Life and Blockus, drink soda, and pal around like they're back home. Star basks in the normalcy, intent on holding onto every moment until they meet again.

When they leave, just before dinner, she hugs Paulina around her box of nails supplies with promises to do it next week. She's picked up by Dash and sincerely thanks him for letting her borrow Irvine who's been a great help. She gives a small kiss to Kumo's forehead for all the woes he's listened to for the past few months and parts with a gentle rib about not talking the bear's ear off about Danny.

Kwan smiles like she's the most radiant sunset he's ever seen and Star wonders how she ever doubts he might not look at her like that one day. She knows it's forever. She just has to believe it.

They kiss, slow and sweet, and Star hopes he knows how much she'll miss him every day.

Dinner is full of gentle ribbing about her friends and the general disbelief that her boyfriend is exactly as she described him. Hell, that he's _pleased_ to be seen that way. It's the gossip of the center for the next three days even though she wasn't the only one with visitors.

A week goes by and Star tries not to let the stress get to her. So much talking and feelings and so much hurt that she doesn't want to listen to. But every time, people seem relieved after they've talked and Star inwardly squirms in discomfort.

Tara thinks that her relationship with Kwan is sweet but that they should both be careful not to take advantage of each other since a relationship like that can become codependent. She introduces Star to the topic of BDSM and explains to her that it's not strictly a sexual thing and that she should look it up so the two of them can more firmly DTR, or 'Define the Relationship'.

Star thanks her and promises to look it up in a couple years at the urging of Tara's slight blush. Whatever the sexual side is must be embarrassing and Star hasn't felt any need for more than kissing. One day... but not yet. There's more important things to do right now.

The next weekend visit finds them in a private room with an orderly casually reading a magazine. The girls do nails while the boys talk about the latest in baseball. She's borrowed Ashley's iPod for the day and Paulina brought a set of speakers. Star tells Kwan which songs to put on and talks about which ones she likes best as her nails dry. They discuss their different tastes in music and while Paulina isn't particularly excited about any of it, Star catches her slight interest in one of the more punk pieces that come up. Star can never fully shake afternoons with Jake though, and doesn't think she'll ever appreciate such music.

They both enjoy Avril Lavigne though and it turns out Paulina has a lot of her cds. Kwan holds her hands, careful of the polish, when she shares the song she cried to. She talks about her revelation to music and how she holds it dear. Kwan looks almost in awe as she speaks passionately about how it makes her feel connected and grounded and free all at once.

He doesn't say anything and Star is grateful. He was right about her not needing to hear it. It would just add more stress, more pressure. One day, she'll be ready. One day, he'll sing her praises and she'll bask in the surety of them. But not yet.

She's not ready yet.

The next week is bad. Her sessions with Greg dreg up feelings she didn't even know she had and as much as she cries, and hurts, and wants to run; she faces them down because it's important that she sees this. That she understands who she is and fights it. Curbs the parts she doesn't want and grows the parts she does. Like pruning a rose bush.

She tells him she's never been much of one for gardening.

It's on Thursday after a team building session that she finds herself on a bench in the courtyard, talking to Doc H. She spills out all her confusion and how she doesn't know what direction to grow 'better' in.

He tells her that life isn't about not having problems or shedding the ones we do. It's about learning to deal with them in a positive way and as long she does that, she'll always grow in a positive direction.

She ponders this for the rest of the day and tells Kwan not to come that weekend. She feels like she's moving right now and if she sees him before she reaches her destination, she'll slide right back to where she was.

Family therapy the next day is a very awkward affair according to Talin. Mostly parents and siblings talked about how they'd discovered something was wrong and exchanging phone numbers for their own support groups. There'll be another session in two weeks and Star decides to invite her parents this time. It feels a bit wrong to block them out of her life like Jake locked his parents out of his room.

Saturday brings just Paulina and Dash, who's carrying a bouquet of ten black roses like that song she likes, one red for true love, and one light pink for admiration. Even if Kwan can't come in person, he still sends his love.

Star runs her thumb over the faded 'Forever' etched into her necklace and thinks of buying a new set. This time, it will be her promise to him.

Ashley is a lively source of fun throughout the entire center and for whatever reason, has declared Star among her closest friends. She doesn't know why the other girl claimed her as such, but she's grateful to have found such a good friend. Even if she is crazy.

Talin has become a solid companion and Rach bounces from group to group, sometimes tormentor and sometimes friend. Star is among the lucky few who have her approval and is safe from the girl's sticky fingers.

Max gets put in isolation on Tuesday for throwing a fit and overturning chairs and tables in the roommates' commissary but she comes back better for it. Breaking down had helped her put the pieces back in a way that moved her forwards.

Star wished that for all the crying she'd been doing, she could find such a change in herself.

Tori was still fragile and it was agreed she'd be stuck here long after camp. Apparently she'd asked her parents to the family session and they'd never shown up.

Lena and Booth had hit it off, drawing Hiro, Shauna, and Bethany into their fold.

Rave was Ashley's 'Master of Gossip' and truly seemed to know everything that was happening throughout the whole center. Star likened him to a quieter, less ambitious Becky.

Chris was a punk with neon green hair who'd moved out of the unstable ward into the shared rooms. He was planning to get out by the time school started. After all, burning down his neighbors shed was completely justified. He'd come here instead of juvie on account of his cutting and a very good lawyer. He and Ashley got along like a house on fire (pun most definitely regretted) and Star feared them having a common enemy. Or just hanging out in general without supervision.

Nate had stopped antagonizing her every chance he got and they were mostly civil to one another. Mainly with Ashley mediating any contact. He still found her a self-entitled princess and she still found him an arrogant, self-absorbed douche. It worked out.

It's week four on a Thursday when Bethany chokes out the story of her brother's attempted suicide, her black bob cut doing nothing to hide her tears. He'd survived but nothing was the same after that. Her parents fought - blamed each other; blamed him.

Bethany had been left to her own devices trying to claw her way into the popular group of her school just so she could be noticed. There were parties, boys she didn't like, girls she couldn't stand, and she'd even given her virginity to one of the coolest guys around just so she could stay in the top tier. At sixteen she felt washed up and used even as she tried to cling to the vague connections she had.

Star feels her stomach twist at the descriptions of one set of popular kids and wonders if she could have bent herself as much as Bethany has just to stay on top. Luckily, she doesn't have to think of it because that's not who her friends are and she will never be faced with those decisions.

These are the kind of 'popular kids' that Nate must have faced and for a brief moment, she pities him and whatever shape he'd bent himself into to comply. Or maybe he hadn't complied and that's why he was ridiculed? It wasn't important. She just didn't want to be associated with those type of people.

Lena brings up the comparison between Star's friends and most of the popular kids they've encountered. She sneers slightly when she says Star comes from such a sheltered and nicey-nice town for _that_ to be the popular crowd.

Star counters that not everyone who's popular has to be a monster.

Hiro diplomatically states that she's more of an exception that proves the rule.

Star likes to think that in a place like this, of course kids come from the worst strides of life and that there are plenty of schools out there where the elites are more like her and less like the vultures they describe.

She ponders long and hard for the rest of the week. Her parents come this weekend instead of her friends and she asks them to Family on Friday. They'll be there.

She quietly asks as they're leaving if this place might have helped Jake. They tell her not to dwell on it. It might have or it might not; it won't change what happened.

It's Wednesday at mixed group when she spits out, "I found my cousin's body."

The room goes silent at her declaration. It's week five and this is the first time she's spoken in any group that wasn't part of a discussion or by direct invitation. She doesn't know why she said it but now that she has it's like word vomit and she can't stop.

"He'd always been on the wrong side of the social hierarchy since middle school started and one day he just..." The room and its occupants feel like a distant thought as she orders just how she wants to tell Jake's Story.

"He was my favorite cousin and our families were close - we'd go see them about every other week. It wasn't so bad at first. But by eighth grade, he would always have his door locked and wouldn't talk to anyone. I forced my way in there and he told me about all the bullying and the hateful names they'd call him.

"It was sometime in February he started the drugs.

"I was terrified to visit him after that point. It was like something had broken in him and it all just came spilling out. He'd speak of anger and pain, _violence_ ; towards himself or others. He'd sound so lost as he raved about all that was wrong with his life; the world. Everything."

She sounds surprisingly bitter as she carries on. "I didn't want his pain. His anger and hatred. This _darkness_ that had taken over his life. I didn't want to be a part of it.

"But I felt like I had to. I came back again and again because I felt like no one else was listening and if I didn't, I'd break him."

She swallows around the lump in her throat. "By the end of March, it was getting worse and I was so scared because I didn't know how much _worse_ things could even get."

 _Tinged purple and with a trail of dried blood underneath his nose, he looked haunted even in death._

The thought strikes her that she shouldn't have been so surprised that Ea had used drugs. But that's a thought for later and the word vomit isn't done yet.

"He'd ODed the previous night. I-" She braces herself with a grimace. "I'm so sure that he wanted me to find him."

Her voice has dropped to a whisper and she just feels drained as she confesses what she's always believed and tries not to feel like she's deluding herself into thinking she's more important than she is. Like Nate says she does.

Because she _knows_ Jake - knew. _Knew_ Jake and truly believes this was his last wish.

"I think he wanted me to be the one to find him. I was always the one who broke into his room and he would've known I was coming. It was his last good-bye to be found by someone who still cared and I- I _hated_ him for it." The words are out before she can even think and all they feel is true. She doesn't recognize the vitriol in her voice as she carries on.

"I just wanted things to get better and he chose me to be his messenger. The one person to carry on his pain and anger and let the world know what had happened. I was _ten_. Ten years old and forced to tell my aunt and uncle that their only son was _gone_. I wanted to go back to painting nails and watching episodes of _Spongebob_. I didn't want this burden and didn't know what he was even asking. Did he want me to stop something? Call out all the bullies who'd led to his death? I didn't know. I _don't_ know. It wasn't fair and I didn't want to be part of it! It was his pain and he should have taken it with him!"

She's drawing heaving breaths and doesn't know if she's angry or lost or _what_ she feels. She just knows that she's mad at Jake. Mad like she's never realized before and doesn't want to hear about it.

She leaves and doesn't look at anyone's reaction. She doesn't want to know what they think. She just wants to leave it all behind and hopes if she runs far enough it can never reach her. She breaks down crying in a corner of the courtyard and wishes it would all go away.

She doesn't know how much later it is that it is that someone takes a seat next to where her arms are pillowed on the bench.

"You're cousin was weak." Nate states neutrally and Star can't find the energy to tell him to go away. "Spilling all his troubles on a ten year old and then doing the ultimate run away by killing himself? What a loser."

There's a prickle of anger but a large part of her agrees with his words.

"I didn't know you'd seen something like that. I thought you were just some petty cheerleader type who got caught up in being pretty for their boyfriend or keeping their position in the clique. I guess I should be a little less judgmental."

Star snorts and brings her head up to look at him. "You think? And aren't you a cutter?"

"Cutting, yes. But that's about the pain. And like I said, suicide isn't an option. I may not have good coping mechanisms, but I refuse to flat out run away. Your cousin was a fool. And a coward. And a-"

"I get the picture." She rolls her eyes at him but makes no move to justify Jake's actions. She _agreed_ with Nate. And wasn't that a sign of the apocalypse?

"How old was he? I know how old you were, but what about him?"

"Fourteen - same age I'll be on Sunday. It was his last year of middle school."

"What a jackass."

Star raises an eyebrow at him because that's going just a touch far.

"What? He was. But enough about him. You've got good friends and a boyfriend who _literally_ worships you - and he's got to have a screw loose to act like that - so what drove you to end up here?"

She mulls over the thought because as much as she's mad at Jake and has carried this pain and anger burning under the surface, it really didn't drive her to obsess over her weight like this. The biggest factor was probably...

"It was Kwan." Nate gives her a look of complete disbelief but she ignores it and rearranges herself to sit on the bench next to him. "Kwan _literally_ worships the ground I walk on. And that feels like a lot. I started panicking. What if he woke up one day and realized I wasn't as wonderful as he thought I was? What if he stopped being blind to all my faults and felt like I had been lying to him? What if we got into high school next year and he found someone more worthy of his attention?

"I'm just," she pauses at a loss for how to put this. "Star. I'm just 'Star' and I'm not perfect."

"When Paulina caught me in the act, she marched us all straight over to Dash's house. She dressed me down about why I shouldn't be doing this and how bad it was. All three of them did. Then Paulina dressed Kwan down for treating me like this. She put it best when she said that he needed to understand that I was his girlfriend, not a deity."

She giggled.

"He looked so shocked. It was like- like he couldn't comprehend that this wasn't how every relationship was and that this wasn't what love felt like for everyone. It was.. " She searched for the right word. "Enlightening. Paulina also pointed out that neither of us could really work in a standard relationship so this wasn't really a problem, but Kwan was devastated that telling me how perfect I was had actually hurt me. He _cried_." Her tone is caught somewhere between sarcasm and disbelief. "My own pain hurt him. Being the source of that pain, it was unbearable for him.

"So that's why I have to get better. Kwan doesn't think I'm perfect because of my faults or in spite of them. He thinks that everything I am _is_ perfect. But I have to learn how to like myself first. I have to feel like I'm good enough first or I will always feel inferior when he calls me perfect."

A piece of near forgotten advice that she just needs to learn to love herself from her first on-on-one with Tara floats into her mind. Maybe these therapists are onto something.

Nate is staring at his hands, clasped in front of his knees when she looks for his reaction. He slowly shakes his head. "You are certainly something. It's a fucking a miracle that someone like you finds someone like him. And that you actually like each other and get along? Fucking miraculous."

He stretches his arms over his head for a long moment before settling a large hand on her head, rubbing a thumb back and forth and almost petting her. "You're pretty miraculous yourself. You have a willing slave who thinks you can do no wrong and all you want is to be better so that you aren't cheating him."

She wrinkles her nose and tries to brush his hand off which just causes him to ruffle her hair.

Oh, it is on.

Before she knows it, they're pushing each other back and forth, attacking hair and darting in to search for ticklish spots. Nate dominates the battle but Star is smiling and feels like everything is going to be ok.

She's missed her session with Greg while she was crying but she's not too late for dinner. They arrive with Star laughing at a corny joke and Nate smiling down at her like an indulgent big brother. Ashley breaks out in a strange tribal-ish dance that is either an attempt to ward off the end of the world or thanks to some higher power that they're finally getting along. She's not really clear on that but is sure that it doesn't matter.

An hour later Nate is teaching her how to not suck at chess with unnecessary commentary from Ashley and Rach while Rave, Talin, and Ea converse nearby over her drawings.

Star's managed to avoid a checkmate for thirteen moves when Shauna approaches their table. It's unusual to see her in the single's commissary since the more social people tend to migrate to the roommates' one.

They're not exactly close and from her continual denial of having any true issues (despite the negative behavior) it's agreed she'll also be staying past camp with Tori.

"I, uh, overheard Booth telling Lena about your cousin and, it reminded me of something." Star nearly rolls her eyes at her story going around. All tales make their way through the grape vine here and Booth and Lena and nearly inseparable.

Shauna looks slightly guilty before schooling herself into her normal, haughty attitude.

"When I was in middle school, there was this kid a year ahead of me who killed himself. I was part of the popular crowd back then and it was just a _thing_ to call him a faggot and laugh when he walked by. It was just part of fitting in and everyone did it. Him or me, you know? He was a real idiot for killing himself."

Star frowns. She doesn't know why Shauna is telling her this story other than _maybe_ lessoning her own guilt and Star isn't here to throw a pity party for some bully's guilty conscience. A pit of discomfort twists in her stomach when Shauna calls the boy an idiot and not just because his tale reminds her of Jake's. It felt fine hearing it from Nate but from her it just sound derogatory.

"He had other options. He could've fought back or transferred schools. He didn't have to just _take it_ like that. Jake killing himself was a wake up call to the staff they needed to address the bullying problem but, - "

She's still talking but Star can't hear any more. "Did you say Jake?" She interrupts. Shauna frowns at her but nods. "Jake Northfield?" A little more wary, the girl nods again.

Everything sounds like white noise and only one thought rings through Star's head. "You killed my cousin."

"Wha- hey! Everyone was doing it and it's not like I started the whole thing-" She tries to back pedal but Star isn't listening.

"You killed my cousin! You fucking Bitch!" She attacks the other girl and brings them both to the ground. It's the first time she's ever cursed and the first time she's physically attacked anyone but it's all she knows and feels.

She scratching and yelling and out of her mind as the orderlies pull her away.

"Let me go! That bitch killed my cousin! How dare you- Let me go!" She's kicking and screaming and more orderlies pin her down by the minute until a needle is shoved in her arm and she feels herself getting sleepy.

"No." She moans helplessly. "That bitch... killed him..." she slurs her way into unconsciousness.

She wakes up in a padded white room with dim lighting and all she can think is how cliché this is. Her knuckles hurt and her body feels slow and weighed down. Even her thoughts feel like they're moving through molasses.

What the hell is molasses, anyway?

Whatever.

As thought slowly trickles in, she wonders if this is her rendition of Max's episode all those weeks ago and if this means she'll finally have that big breakthrough she's been wanting and can finally just _get better_.

She thinks through Tara telling her that she just needs to learn to love herself and Doc H's advice that life is just learning to deal with your problems in a positive way.

She thinks of how calm she was talking with Nate about all her insecurities regarding Kwan and how right it felt for him to call Jake an idiot for her. It felt right because he was on Jake's side. The hurt and battered side. But he chose to fight. He choose to keep going while Jake just... slipped away.

And she hates him for it.

But Shauna, Shauna was a bully and hearing her say that suicide is stupid was just derisive and ignorant. How could she possibly know what Jake felt when she was part of the problem? Even if the boy in her story hadn't been Jake!

Star doesn't _understand_ why Jake wanted to die. Not like she's come to _understand_ music and she doesn't want to either. But she _gets it_. Not in a way that she'd ever consider it herself, but after listening to his pain over and over, she _gets it_.

Shauna doesn't know anything and lives with her head too far up her rear to see anything but her own shit.

She decides that Nate will get a kick out of that analogy and tucks it away for later. Ashley and Rach will enjoy it too.

She thinks over all that's happened in the last five weeks. All the tears. All the stories she's heard and the ones she's finally admitted to herself. Her discovery of music and all its wonders. Making friends with kids from the wrong side of the social ladder and feeling no shame in enjoying their company.

Star considers that first day when she wanted nothing to do with 'the crazy people who deserved to be here' and pities the girl she was. How small minded and reclusive.

Everyone everywhere has issues. Some people just haven't found good ways to deal with them.

And that thought brightens Star's mood. Some people haven't, but she _has_. She's found music and friends who don't judge her (both in and out of the crazy bin). She has a boyfriend who sees her as the embodiment of all grace and goodness not because she's perfect, but because she's _herself_ and she decides that the only way to be more perfect for him is to _handle her problems_.

Hundreds of people have bigger concerns and worse pains and they _deal with it_. So Star can deal with hers and she can keep finding new ways to _deal with it_ no matter what comes her way.

She doesn't have to be perfect or become the embodiment of every pure virtue and stand as the pinnacle of perfection. She will stand tall and deal with her issues because her only true failing is letting her fears rule her. She's not going to do that to Kwan and she's not going to do that to herself.

She feels a seed growing in her chest and knows this is the start of who she wants to be.

She's locked in a padded room after getting in a fist fight, and she can't remember feeling this content.

Breakfast is brought in the next morning and she'll have a private session with Doctor Singleton after she's done with group. That evaluation will determine if she gets out today or has to stay longer.

Star passes the time humming bits and pieces of songs she's just beginning to love and perks up when Tara finally comes in. She greets her therapist with a warm smile and gives a heartfelt 'thank you' for all the help she's gotten over the past few weeks.

The psychologist is surprised by the change in attitude but takes it in stride. They discuss why Star is in here and Star spells out all her revelations about her place in the universe and what she wants to do from now on.

Tara declares her fit for release and tells Star how proud she is on her way out.

When she makes her grand reappearance at lunch, she's ecstatic to see all her friends greeting her warmly and asking her how her trip to the 'cloud city' had been. They fill her in on how Shauna is being universally shunned for talking about suicide like that and Star's cred has risen about fifty points for starting a fist fight like that. Bonus points for actually using her fists and not having a girly cat fight.

Well, part girly cat fight. But there was enough fist action to earn credit.

She was tucked in between Nate and Ashley and it feels like the most natural thing in the world despite it being a new seating arrangement.

Ashley and Chris have launched into potential revenge plots that are as much for their own enjoyment as they are on her behalf when Nate gives her a contemplative stare.

"You're different." he states and the whole table stops to look at them.

Star doesn't care.

"Yes. I am." He raises one eyebrow in a gesture to go on so she does. "I figured it out. I just need to put it into action." She doesn't elaborate any further and after a long moment he gives her a firm nod.

"Good."

And that's the end of the matter. It's a subtle shift but the pride she's always carried herself with has shifted into self-assurance that draws the eye in a positive way. Her self-confidence is an inner light that marks her smile brighter and her joy at having found her place in this world gives a new sparkle to her eyes.

When her parents come the next day, she greets them warmly and thanks them for all their support and taking care of her.

They're baffled by the change that's come over her and even more confused when Doc H takes them aside for a moment to discuss her conflict with Shauna earlier in the week. She doesn't feel ashamed of the fight or Shauna's still blackened eye. The family session doesn't do much for her but it's nice to have her parents there.

Her dad talks about how he initially blamed Kwan for his daughter's condition and all the other patients give him various looks of 'Are you shitting me?'

Max once again speaks reason as she says, "Have you seen the way he looks at her? I don't think he even comprehends the _idea_ of there being anything bad to say about her, yet alone saying it. Take it from someone who knows peer pressure, that boy is more likely to turn into a singing fish than put her down."

Star beams through the entire explanation and her parents are floored by the nods of agreement that carry around the camp members.

She gives her parents hugs when it's time for them to go and says that she'll see them in three weeks when she's ready to be picked up. Yes, she'll call Sunday and Tuesday, as usual.

She calls Paulina that night and asks her to tell Kwan not to come this weekend. She's sure that her very _voice_ carries the change that's come over her and doesn't want to ruin the surprise.

The next day her friends from the bin attempt to mesh with Paulina and Dash to various degrees of success. Surprisingly, Paulina and Talin part from the group to have a discussion about nail polish and proper hair care. Ashley continues to embarrass Dash by asking him to take pictures of himself and his beau once he finally gets one.

Paulina and Dash leave saying how much better she looks and how much Kwan is going to love the difference. She hugs them both and tells them not to bring him next week either. She wants it to be a surprise when she's fully ready.

While she's happy, she's still settling in to this new her and wants to be one hundred percent sure of who she is before she sees him again.

The next day brings a round of 'happy birthday' and Kwan calls the center. She thanks him but doesn't talk long. They'll go out to celebrate when she's done here.

At mixed group on Monday, she talks about the bullying circle.

She was never an active participant but the fact is she didn't stop them. She talks about her shame of going along with it and the crushing fear that she'd be the next Jake if she spoke out against it.

So she fought for as many rules and safety measures as she could and stressed the importance of spotting depression before it could worsen.

She spoke of the E-List and how proud she was to have friends who would look out for the students who were depressed.

Hiro brings up that they were still bullies and regardless of how 'nicely' they went about it, they still hurt a lot of people.

Star struggles with her guilt and agrees. She still holds strongly to not having been the monsters many of her peers at the bin have faced and takes solace in that.

The next day at group, Shauna avoid her like the plague and Rach and Talin close ranks around her. In fact, the entire group gives her a bit of the cold shoulder and Star feels satisfaction in the other girl's treatment. She's earned it.

Star takes part in the open discussion that day and is easily accepted into the group. She doesn't share any personal anecdotes with this group, but a barrier has been lifted as she sheds her self-imposed role of 'observer.'

Friday rolls around with the news that Ashley might be getting released soon. Her personal therapist is talking it over with her parents and she might get out about the same time as camp. They applaud her and a series of encouraging remarks go around. Mostly about not ending up back here and keeping her crazy away from people who get offended. Star isn't too sure that they should be encouraging Ashley to start a bonfire, but it suits them and she eventually joins in with a pointed 'only burn down storage sheds from people who deserve it' that has Chris beaming at her.

Star has no visitors that week. Paulina has been whisked away to her father's yacht club and Dash's parents aren't willing to make the drive. It's a real shame that the latina's chauffeur wasn't available without her.

Still, she hangs out with her friends and they discuss her plans for getting out of there.

"So, what? When you get out of here you'll just go back to your popular life and ignore all the freaks and losers in the world?" Rach asks.

Star looks at her friend in surprise. "Well, yeah."

"What if I showed up at your school one day and needed help? Would you just ignore me?" Eyes narrowed, she leans over the table like a 'bad cop' during an interrogation.

Star shrugs noncommittally. "I wouldn't just ignore you but I'd probably make up some story about you being a distant cousin or the daughter of one my parents acquaintances. Something that makes you look good."

Ashley decides she has to provoke the conversation with a Cheshire grin. "What if I showed up naked at a school assembly doing the hula and praying to our alien overlords?"

"Then I'd pretend not to know you like every other sane person on the face of the planet."

"What if I came running up to you in a wedding dress ready to take our vows?"

"Then I'd hit you for being an idiot. Do you want me to look like I'm two-timing Kwan?"

"Good point. How about I light the school yard on fire and sing kumbaya?"

"Then you'd get arrested. But, in all seriousness, if one of you guys showed up at my school and needed help..." Star looks around the assorted hair colors and various degrees of punk. "I'm not sure. I'd want to help you, but being popular is important to me." She faces the table and murmurs, "I don't want to end up like Jake."

She raises her head and meets them head on. "But, if you showed up, I'd want to help you. I'd either make up a story that makes you look good or just try and keep you out of sight. I think that's the most I can promise."

Nate's large hand finds its way to her head and starts stroking with his thumb. What is she, a cat? "Well, I guess that's the most we can expect out of a pampered, posturing princess."

Star tries to bat his hand away. "Oh, and the arrogant, mutant giraffe thing you have going on is so much better?"

"Than putting on airs and acting like a spoiled, self-righteous brat? Yes, it is."

"It's not spoiled, it's well-deserved. Some of us just happen to belong on top."

He mock swooned. "However did I forget what a pinnacle of perfection you are!"

Star smirked. "My boyfriend certainly thinks so."

The next week was better. Her sessions with Greg were less dark and they discussed things she could do once she got out of there. The mirror markers were her favorite so Greg promised her a set when she left for therapeutic purposes.

Tara and her had a hard discussion about Jake's death, the body, the funeral and Star's refusal to deal with it at the time. She felt raw but refreshed - like polishing tarnished silver.

Doc H didn't ask about her change in attitude but clapped her on the shoulder and told her he was 'happy to see her doing better'. She told him it was mostly his good advice.

Paulina got back in touch on Wednesday with a plethora of stories about boys trying to flirt with her and businessmen suggesting engagements. It was archaic but, likely how Paulina would find a husband.

They were all going to make a trip up there that weekend, and yes, Star wanted Kwan to be there.

Saturday morning rolled around and Star found herself nervously making herself look as beautiful as she could. She pulled out a teal blouse that matched her eyes and the only skirt she'd brought with her (a white, flowing, knee-length A-line.)

This was it. This was her big reveal and the end of everything she had worked for. She was ready.

Was she ready? Would Kwan still like her?

She pushed the thought aside as ridiculous. Of course he would still like her. But it had been weeks since they'd last seen each other. Would he like everything that he saw?

Pulling half her hair up into a small bun, she put three small braids in the part left flowing before deciding she was over thinking this. Kwan would love her and she was ready for this.

Really.

Paulina and Dash must have hung back, because Kwan entered the commissary alone. He was dressed in jeans and a simple black tee that showed off his physique. In his hands was a single yellow rose. They stared across the room for a moment before Kwan slowly approached her by the window.

He passed her the rose telling her it was for new beginnings, joy, friendship, welcome back, remember me, and that any single rose was 'utmost devotion'. Star took it with a smile and sniffed slowly. It was beautiful.

Looking past the rose, teal met chocolate and Star knew, it was perfect.

"Did you find your answers?" He asks unnecessarily.

"Yes." She bestows him a brilliant smile.

"May I?" he asks with a glance at her feet and Star can't hold back a cheerful yet wry grin as she nods.

He kneels in front of her and thinks for a moment how he wants to do this. Star makes the decision for him by holding onto the railing and lifting her foot in front of him. He takes it delicately, reverently, and brings it to his lips.

It tingles and Star is suddenly aware of how ridiculous this whole affair looks but the rapture in his eyes makes all the ribbing she'll get later worth it.

He _had_ promised to worship at her feet.

She could get used to this.

. . . .

Songs mentioned:

Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee

Lincoln Park - In the End

Linkin Park - Numb

The Rasmus ft. Anette Olzon - October and April

Avril Lavigne - I'm With You

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

The Rasmus - Ten Black Roses

* * *

 _Disclaimer: I've never been to a crazy bin myself but I've known several people who have so it's a loose interpretation._

 _Poll: The poll will close when I post the next chapter._

 _Feedback: Good, bad, or ugly. It's all a learning process.  
_


	11. 9 Ember

_Poll is closed. Results on profile._

 _I've decided that OMS is going to go through season one and_ stay canon _. The sequel will cover season two and_ diverge from canon _._

 _Pre-warning: This is the last fluff you'll see for a while. The story is labeled angst. Enjoy the fluff while it lasts._

* * *

The Northwestern 9 annual career aptitude tests were just around the corner and Kwan was hitting the books. He needed to score as high as possible so that he could follow Star to any school she wanted to go to.

It was really more of a pre-test for standardized testing but, Kwan wanted to impress.

Kwan put on the new Ember song Star had introduced him to and started humming along as he practiced his math.

Ember was great. All the music Star found was amazing (and Kwan knew she sometimes spent hours looking for just the right song) but Ember was the highlight of it all. So catchy and upbeat. Dash and Paulina loved her just as much as Star and Kwan and they were hoping to go to a concert together. Ember, playing in Amity Park...

When Lancer decided to test drive some new test-prep program (something about his bonus) the entire class was shuffled into the computer lab and instructed to begin the Cramtastic 5 study program. When Ember appeared on the class's screens, Kwan thought it was the most amazing prank he'd ever seen.

The class started cheering only to have Lancer pull the plug.

Discontent encompassed the students, ready to demand their music back when it started up again. Lancer accused Foley of having his PDA on but that wasn't it - it was outside. A promotional float had just pulled up out front of the school and - omg! It was Ember McLain herself!

Kwan raced outside and tried to find Star. She'd love this! He'd have to get her to the front of the crowd so they could meet their favorite idol!

He found Star and made it decently close to the stage, putting her on his shoulders so she could see better.

Kwan couldn't even remember the end of it but it was all they could talk about gathered in Star's living room later. Ember had been so close.

The next day, up to date with all the gossip, Paulina announced that Ember was giving away free concert tickets at Bucky's Music Mega Store. Forget class! This was way more important!

The entire store had been transformed into a concert hall with tickets raining down from above. It was fantastic!

And then a shout came from one of the promotional cardboard cut outs. "Hey, everybody! Look, it's Ember McLame!" It was that Goth girl Paulina hated! The one standing between Dash being with Danny! How dare she deface something as perfect as Ember's face!

Wait, was that the ghost boy? Why was he arguing with Ember?

Luckily, she showed him up with her awesome guitar playing and used this awesome special effect to leave the stage. This was such a fantastic show! Although the ghost boy should really learn the line between admiring an idol and harassment. Just because he could fly, didn't mean he could just barge onto her stage.

Everything was a buzz as the store started clearing out, Kwan chatting away animatedly with Dash about how amazing the concert was going to be that night when he heard a 'psst' coming from the manager's hall behind the cashier's desk. The two football players glanced at each other before looking closer. "Hey, come here."

No way! It was Ember McLain! She gestured the boys over and they hurriedly ducked behind the counter and down the hall.

"Hey guys. So, I need a special favor. You know how that loser defaced my cutout earlier? Well I don't want anything going wrong at the concert later. I'm sure two big, strong, men like yourselves could make sure nothing happens, right?"

Her every word was seduction and Kwan put the pieces together. "You want us to work security?" And it wasn't really a question. This was Ember and Kwan would always be able to figure out what she was thinking.

"Bingo. I'll see you two later." She answered before sliding out the back way.

Ember McLain had just talked to him. Ember wanted him to work security. It was the best day of his life.

"Wow." His best friend whispered and Kwan nodded in agreement. Wow. "If I were straight, it would be for her."

They were forced home as the police raided the building for mass truancy and a city wide grounding was put in effect.

No way! They were not going to keep him from Ember's concert! She'd asked him to work security and helping her was his purpose in life!

He left through his window at eleven hoping he'd be in time to be briefed on his duties and familiarize himself with any way people could get in. Nothing was going to get in the way of Ember's concert.

Dash arrived fifteen minutes after he did and they were set to patrol the back halls. No crazy fans and no disruptions. Like Foley on the PA system.

Apprehending the intruders, Kwan was holding onto Danny as Dash held onto Sam. Another fan was holding Foley but Kwan wasn't familiar with him. The geeks were arguing about something, but Ember's concert was starting and just hearing those opening riffs was euphoric. She was so talented...

Movement on his right distracted him and he turned in time to see Manson putting her lips on Dash. Grip slack with surprise, Danny was easily able to tear away from him. The two geeks were arguing again but Kwan was caught in his best friend's panic.

That, that... that was a violation! He'd just been kissed against his will! By a girl!

Dash ran off and Kwan followed his friend. He must feel terrible right now. What if someone other than Ember kissed him against his will? Wait, no... he'd never kissed Ember. Who was -?

He slowed to a stop gripping his head. That was wrong. It wasn't Ember. It was...

Blonde hair, teal eyes, fierce inner strength. Star. His reason for everything. He had forgotten Star! He needed to find her. To beg her forgiveness!

How could she ever forgive him when he had forgotten her for some insignificant pop star?

Feeling like the scum of the earth, he slumped through the hallways until he found Dash desperately rinsing his mouth in the backstage washroom. He tried to find something to say when a horrible screeching came over the intercom. Whoever was attempting to sing right now needed to be stopped. For the sake of eardrums everywhere.

The squawking ceased and Kwan gave a small prayer in relief. If he never had to hear something so horrible ever again...

He grabbed Dash with the promise of mouthwash and searched the departing crowd for the girls. After stopping by the twenty-four hour drug store and getting Dash some mouthwash, toothbrush, and toothpaste, they headed to the park - none of them quite ready to go home.

Star sat on the picnic table with her feet on the bench, Kwan slumping beside her, shoulder brushing her knee. Paulina was on Star's other side, taking in the night air while Dash was busy at the water fountain.

Kwan took his girlfriend's hand when offered and started playing with her fingers. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok. We all got pretty obsessed." She soothed and Kwan just felt worse.

Paulina inelegantly snorted. "I can't believe this. They posses my body, destroy the town, and now they mind control us through music. I hate ghosts."

The proclamation hangs in the air with silent agreement.

Still...

"I forgot Star. I was so obsessed with Ember that I forgot about Star. How can I say that my love is pure and true when a ghost can make me forget about her?" He holds her hand gently. What higher power had taken pity on him to still be allowed the rapture of her touch?

Paulina sighs softly. "I think that's just who you are. Ember gave us all an obsession with her and since you're already an obsessive person, it rewrote Star in your mind to Ember." That just made Kwan feel worse. Ember had _replaced_ Star? What kind of scum was he?

A hand on his cheek forced him to look up into teal jewels. "Stop that. You didn't betray me. None of us had a choice. She just came in, commanded our attention, and then the ghost-boy stopped her. Same old, same old. Yeah, this time sucked, but it's just part of the big ghostly picture we're stuck in. So don't blame yourself."

Star was amazing. So smart and courageous and reasonable. He was so fortunate that such perfection would forgive his discretions. He kissed her palm in silent thanks and devotion.

They sat in relative peace for a moment, wary of whatever ghostly influence may interrupt their lives next when Dash frantically grabbed Kwan's shoulders.

"I need your lips." He proclaimed and the desperate glint in his eye looked nearly feral. "Wait, wrong person." He didn't release Kwan's shoulders as he turned his attention to Star. "Can I borrow your boyfriend's lips? I need to get the taste of stinky, goth, female _loser_ out of my mouth."

She paused and Kwan wondered what her answer would be. He didn't have a problem with kissing Dash. It was nothing serious and his friend was clearly troubled. But, he'd never do so unless Star said so. He belonged to her and if it wasn't with her express permission, then Kwan would never share his lips with another. Even if it was just a favor to his best friend.

"Sure." Kwan could hear the shrug in her voice. "But just remember, he's mine."

Dash nodded solemnly before looking his best friend in the eye.

A tense moment. Dash leaned closer. Their breath mingled.

Kwan had never kissed anyone besides Star and the firm lips pressed against his tasted overwhelmingly of mint. It was a slow kiss with lips against lips - no tongue - that left him feeling slightly tingly and a touch awkward.

Dash pulled back and the frantic edge in his eyes was gone. "Thanks."

He gave a firm nod to Star before proceeding to brush his teeth again.

All in all, it wasn't a terrible night.

* * *

Episode: Fanning the Flames

 _Reviews: Good, bad, and ugly. All are accepted and enjoyed.  
_

 _I view active posting a lot like a dialogue so feel free to ask questions or criticize._


	12. 10 Monster

**_WARNING: TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER._**  
 ** _IF YOU FOUND CHAPTER THREE HARD TO READ THROUGH, THIS WILL NOT BE BETTER._**

 **IMPORTANT NOTES**  
 _1\. Spectra's powers are_ **devastating** _in a real world setting. They're much akin to a dementor in how a person has their happiness sucked away but far more damaging. Spectra is a psychologist and instead of trying to build people up, she tears them down. Because her powers will make sure that any small seed of doubt flourishes, she doesn't even have to be subtle. She just has to prod for a single chink in your armor and once she finds it, you're done for._

 _In a real high school where there are depressed students, this would be_ **beyond disastrous.**

 _This is also important because of how it works its way into their minds. It warps a person's thoughts and once you're in a dark place, extra influence subsiding or not, it's a hard f*cking climb to get yourself back out._

 _2\. Why is Danny not effected like this? He has a lot of stress!_  
 _Well, not really. At this point, his main points of stress are keeping his secret, fighting ghosts, homework, and his social life. He's yet to encounter Walker, Vlad, the Guys in White, the Red Huntress, Dan - all his biggest sources of stress. Yes, he's got a lot on his plate, but nothing has ever shattered his self-confidence._

 _Bertrand (Spectra's assistant) asks at one point why she's 'wasting her time on him' and she answers that he's like a spa treatment. I interpret this as Danny generally being beneath Spectra's notice - compared to someone already depressed who would be a buffet. Danny is worth taking note of because he's a halfa and has been stopping ghosts from causing trouble. It's good to throw him off his game._

 _When you look at someone who has questioned their very self worth, the amount of damage isn't even comparable._

 _THIS STORY WAS MARKED ANGST FOR A REASON. THIS CHAPTER IS **HARD**. I KNOW IT IS. BEAR WITH ME. I SWEAR, THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL._

* * *

Star settled into the lightly padded chair in front of the desk of the new school councilor. The room was chilly, but not terrible. Apparently, Doctor Penelope Spectra was an expert on teen psychology and had been brought in to help lower the stress level. Star thought it was a good idea but doubted it would help much. These were ghost attacks, not peer pressure. Still, it was nice of staff to try.

Everyone was required a preliminary meeting with Dr. Spectra so she could see how they were. Just a meet and greet to 'check in'.

Spirits were high since the football team had made it to the state finals (despite a few disastrous home games) and they were hoping to take the title. There was going to be a huge rally on Friday which got the whole school out of afternoon classes. Star was looking forward to it.

A woman in a red mini-suit came in introducing herself with a cheery, 'You can call me Spectra.'

Star evaluated the mini skirt and while the woman was stylish, she found the classy yet comfortable style of Tara a lot more fitting for a psychologist. In fact, she liked everything about Tara better then 'Spectra'.

"So, I've read your file and I just wanted to ask about this one little thing. How was your trip to rehab?" Star frowned but the woman simply carried on. "I know it's not what you want to talk about but it's listed in your medical records and I just want to know that everything is alright now."

Eyes narrowed, the blonde nodded slightly. It seemed fair enough. Her trip to rehab would be in her records even if it wasn't specified why and the woman was a psychologist. "I had an eating disorder. I went to rehab and got better. Everything's good."

The answer was short and sweet and apparently, completely unsatisfactory to the woman. "I'm so sorry to hear that dear. Was it boy troubles? I've seen such things time and again while helping troubled teens like yourself."

"I am not a 'troubled teen'. I went to rehab, got help, and I know who I am." Star glared. Oh, she did _not_ like this woman. Not one bit.

"I didn't mean to imply something about you; I just find that all teens are troubled in some way. Your boyfriend, Kwan Rivers, for instance."

Alarms went off in Star's head. This wasn't a group session. Shouldn't these things be private? But, "What do you mean something is troubling Kwan?"

"Oh, no no. I'm not trying to make assumptions. He just seems a bit, weak willed. Lost. He's always so desperate to make others happy, it makes one wonder if he has a will of his own. He must be so lonely to work so hard for acceptance."

Star felt ice water trickle down her spine. No. It wasn't like that. Kwan wasn't like that. He didn't try for people's acceptance, he was just genuinely kind and friendly. But she couldn't shake it. Kwan spent so much time listening to everything she said and doing what she wanted. Was she taking his free will?

No. It was a good relationship. Star knew who she was and Kwan knew who he was. There wasn't a need for questions like this.

Right?

She steeled herself and refused to let her inner doubt show on her face. She'd ask Kwan later. They were ok. "I'm sure you're mistaken. Kwan would tell me if something were wrong."

"I'm sure he just doesn't want to trouble you dear. Love is such a precious thing, especially to lonely people. I'm sure you're his precious lifeline."

Star forced a deep breath, slowly, fighting against the rock settling in her stomach. Jake.

No. She was no one's lifeline. Kwan wouldn't put her in that position. He wouldn't. He'd tell her, he'd-

She was being led out with Spectra's arm gently around her shoulder. When had that happened? Was the session over already? It must be, right? "It's alright dear. How about we have another chat tomorrow, alright? I'm sure everything will be just fine."

Star drifted through her last class of the day trying to push the clinging doubt from her mind. Kwan couldn't possibly be so dependent on her. He was his own person and obeying her whims and listening to her made him happy. He wasn't lonely. He had siblings and parents and Dash and Paulina. People genuinely liked him because he was simply a nice guy. He had no reason to be lonely. He didn't need her like that.

He didn't need her.

The thought hit her like a wave; knocking her over and attempting to drag her out to sea. It couldn't be. It just couldn't. Star knew better. She knew.

She walked home alone (Kwan and Dash would have practice every afternoon this week in preparation for the big game.) Paulina was surely leading the cheer squad, having made vice captain last month. A freshman making it that high was astounding but that was Paulina. Always on top. Star didn't want to see her either. She was so perfect and Star was...

Maybe she'd like to see Dash. But that wouldn't do for the same reason she couldn't see Kwan.

No, at the moment, being alone was best. Entering her home, she noticed that usual tranquility that meant her parents weren't there. What normally gave her a sense of peace and independence felt suddenly isolating and cold. She didn't want to be alone.

Heading to her room, she put on her playlist for bad days before facing the mirror. When she'd gotten back from rehab, she'd had her parents replace the wooden sliders to her closet with mirrors. She wasn't going to look away. The left side was generally left alone, half covered as she never fully closed the right side, but the forward mirror was different.

Star used her mirror markers almost daily. She'd put up inspirational quotes, doodle along the edges, and on bad days, she'd draw herself. Just like that first session with Greg, sometimes she'd find herself blacking out pieces and drawing arrows to point out her faults. It was never as bad but, it happened from time to time. Everyone had bad days, right? Like that one song. It wasn't her favorite, but days like this, it reminded her that everyone had bad days.

She let the markers guide her. Red and black lines covered all her least favorite pieces as she stepped back. She took all in with a deep breath. No, she didn't like herself today. But that wasn't everything.

She resolutely grabbed her glass cleaner and wiped it all away. She started anew with teal and yellow. For every bad thing she had found before, she needed to find a good thing. It was a challenge to herself so that she never lost sight of who she was. Overall, she liked herself. So she should always be able to find more things to like about herself.

She stepped back again and breathed a little easier this time. Something was missing. She stepped back and reached over her head with pink.

 **Kwan loves you.**

She looked into the mirror and reminded herself that all of this was true. This was who she was and this was her life.

Her chest eased and she set about clearing the mirror. All except the last words. It was a common phrase for her to have up and she felt like she needed it right now. She wouldn't be ruled by her doubts and her fears. She was better than that.

She looped purple into the top right corner, drawing out a new quote. **Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.** It was a fallback quote of hers but true nonetheless. This was going to be one of the harder times.

She doodled a bit more before turning off her 'bad day playlist' and turning to her homework. Tomorrow would come and she would look for the positive things. The positive solution. She wasn't going to surrender to a few niggling doubts from a psychologist who didn't know anything. It took time to build a relationship with a therapist. A school councilor was never going to be able to do that.

Star was on her way to second period (history with Kwan) when she was called over the intercom. Making her way to the front office, she was surprised that Spectra wanted to see her again. Wasn't that too soon? She hadn't gotten the chance to talk to Kwan yet. She wanted to know if he was ok before talking to the councilor again.

She took a seat and shivered in the cold. It hadn't been this bad yesterday, right?

"Star! Just who I wanted to see. Did you work things out with your boyfriend?" The onslaught left Star overwhelmed.

"No. I was just going to history to-"

"That's too bad." Spectra interrupted. "Or, maybe it's good. A relationship like yours can be very dependant."

At first having felt annoyed for the interruption, Star felt a chill as the psychologist went on. "Teens who are so lonely need to learn to stand by themselves. It's really not healthy for such a strong personality like yourself to take advantage of them."

"I'm... taking advantage?" She questioned softly. No. It couldn't be. Kwan was so happy how things were. She wasn't...

"Oh, my dear, I'm sure you don't mean to. Popular kids often don't realize they're being selfish."

Being... selfish? Was she... controlling Kwan? Was she taking away his independence? That couldn't be true, right. It just,- that wasn't how things were. She opened her mouth to protest but was shushed before she could try.

"It's ok. You don't have to let your guilt suffocate you. I'm just saying that it might be best for you to let Kwan go. Let him find himself without being stripped of his free will."

Star was being led out again feeling disconnected and lost. "Do you think that would be best?" She hears it as if she's in a dream.

"This isn't about what I think, it's about whether you're in a healthy relationship. I'm sure the two of you know exactly what you're doing."

The door slammed behind her coinciding with the clenching of her heart. She couldn't be with Kwan. This would never work. She had been so selfish and so cruel. Did she ever think about Kwan's needs? About what he wanted? No. He always said he was fine and Star just believed him because why shouldn't his life revolve around her?

She was such a monster. A self deluded princess who just looked down on others. Nate had been right in the first place. Thinking so highly of herself. Taking Kwan's free will. She was just like those monsters the others had talked about. She was a popular kid who destroyed the lives of those around her.

She wasn't even smart. Or beautiful. Or athletic. Or talented. She wasn't anything.

And she was destroying Kwan. She never let him choose what they were going to do. She never put him first. She just walked all over him because he was too nice to tell her to stop. How could he even look at her? How could he bear to be near her? How could he not _hate_ her?

Paulina- Paulina would surely know. Paulina always had answers. She saw through everyone and everything and she would know if Star was treating Kwan right. She wasn't a monster, right? Please, she needed to know she wasn't a monster.

Forcing herself to move, she dredged up Paulina's schedule. She had English on the third floor. Ok. She would just find Paulina, ask if she could borrow her, and hear that she wasn't a monster. She didn't _want_ to be a monster.

Pausing outside her friend's classroom, she realized she didn't have a pass. Not wanting to get sent to the office, she took a seat next to the door and settled in to wait. It couldn't be that long, right? She just, she just needed to not think about it. She was over thinking things. That was all. She was just having a bad day.

She buried her head in her knees. A really bad day.

Star didn't know how much time passed before the door opened. She shot to her feet and grabbed Paulina's elbow before she passed by. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words. They walked to the bathroom where Paulina started sprucing up her make-up. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"I just, Spectra said a couple things that got me thinking and I wanted to ask you... aren't you using too much make-up?" She frowned in confusion at her friend. The Queen Bee had never needed more than a dash of make-up in order to accent her beautiful face but she was caking on foundation like every pore was a pimple.

"I need to make sure I'm beautiful." Her friend answered and Star was struck by a horrible realization. She was being selfish. Here Paulina was, with her own worries and her own life, and all Star wanted was for her to take all of her attention and be told that she was perfectly fine just how she was.

"Oh. I see." Was the only response she could muster.

So selfish. So stupid. So arrogant, pig-headed, mindless, self-centered, cowardly, self-righteous, ignorant, stupid, stupid Star! How could she be so cruel?!

She barely even noticed her friend leave as she stared at herself in the chipped, unclean mirror. It suited her. But not well enough.

Almost without consent, she pulled a sharpie out of her bag and reached for the mirror.

She stared for a moment.

It was like the first art session all over again where she had drawn that small flower. She had a clip in her hair these days, but it all came back to that flower. A cover up. A lie.

Not this time.

Instead of blocking out the parts she didn't like, she scribbled furiously at the parts she did. Monsters didn't deserve good traits. Monsters shouldn't be able to hide in plain sight. Monsters shouldn't be looked at like Angels by guys too nice to notice they were being used.

She choked up and paused her drawing. What was she doing to Kwan? It wasn't right. _She_ wasn't right.

Looking at her newly marked up reflection, she frowned in disgust and misery. Tears. Like people like her had any right to feel sorry.

With one last ferocious scribble, she stalked from the room, head held high, leaving only a mangled outline of a person and the word MONSTER as an explanation.

She didn't go to class. She didn't go to lunch. She went home. She didn't talk to anyone and was glad that her parents weren't there. She didn't want them to be there. That she was taking love from people so caring and wonderful was just-

She didn't want to think this way. It wasn't right.

Staring at her mirror, she couldn't find anything right about it. Purple letters mocked her about finding the good things in life. She didn't deserve good things.

Ferociously, she scrubbed the mirror with not enough cleaner and too much force leaving behind mottled streaks. She reached for the pink above her head before stopping. **Kwan loves You.** stood out like a sore thumb among the ruin but Star couldn't bring herself to erase it. It was a lie. But such a pretty lie.

Please let her keep just the one lie. Just for a little while.

She drew the mess out a bit more before she'd had enough. It just wasn't right. It wasn't enough. Pulling out the black and red, she paused.

No. It wasn't enough.

She remembered the Sharpie and how crisp the lines left behind had been. Permanent. That's what was missing. She pulled out a sharpie and then paused again. Her parents were such wonderful people. She couldn't let them know what a monster they had raised.

She closed the right door fully and looked at the blank canvas of the left mirror. She went slowly. Blocking off her eyes here, a shapely ankle there, eyebrows, ears, waist. Everything that made her look pretty. One-by-one. She blacked them out. They were just lies. Just pretty lies that were fooling everyone.

She stepped back and felt a certain peace settle in her heart. That was better. That was honest.

She turned away from the mirror and opened the right door completely. She couldn't let her parents see the truth. It wasn't right to lie to them, but they didn't know. She couldn't tell them their little princess was a monster. If they stared at her with hatred-

She shook the thought from her mind and focused on what she was doing. She cleaned the mirror, thoroughly this time, being very careful to leave the lie in place. Next, she took up her purple and looped up, **Fall 7 times. Stand up 8.** It was short and meaningless and didn't make her want to immediately erase it. Good enough.

Adding a few flowers, she left it alone. A good enough disguise. Just like the reflection in it.

She settled in at her computer and surfed for new music. Sad songs. Songs about pain. She just needed something to let her _feel_. To pour out this agony and know she wasn't alone.

Hours later she didn't have much success. The few sad songs that fit weren't enough but she played them over and over. She found angry songs about people like her and how much they were hated but not ones _for_ her. None that could express this throbbing disgust for herself.

Noticing how late it was, Star felt her heart clench. Why hadn't her parents gotten her for dinner?

She forced herself to calm down. This had happened before. When Star was on a music binge, she often refused to go down to eat so her parents didn't ask anymore. That was all it was. They weren't disgusted with her.

Not like she was with herself.

She looked at the pink lie on the mirror. It was such a beautiful lie. Just for a moment, she wanted to believe it. Star put on her favorite song, the song that reminded her how much she missed him every time she was sad and lonely and curled up on her bed.

The song was on repeat as she stared at the lie, lit only by the over bright computer screen. She didn't notice at first when the tears started but once they did, they wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop. She tried to tell them that monsters weren't supposed to cry but she couldn't stop and oh god-

She just - She just wished Kwan was here. Oh god how she wished he were here.

Star buried her head in her pillow (how much worse would she be if she woke up her parents?) and tried to stifle her sobs. She wished so badly that he was here and that everything was good.

She eventually pulled herself together and turned off her music. Sliding her closet door closed, she stared at the revealed blackness. She sat on the floor, uncomfortably leaning against her bedpost, staring at the abyss of her corrections until her screen finally went black and left the room in darkness. If only her true self could be hidden so easily.

Star didn't know how she pulled herself together for school the next day. She didn't remember getting there or going to her first class. All she knew was that Kwan stopped her in the hall before history looking like a lost puppy.

Star looked away. She couldn't look at him. Every time she saw him she wanted to give in. Didn't he know she was doing this for his own good? She sat down and pretended not to see the devastation in his eyes. It was for the best.

The aching in her heart disagreed.

Instead of going to lunch, she found herself outside Penelope Spectra's office. She was a councilor. She'd surely know if Star was doing the right thing. And it wasn't selfish, right? She was a psychologist; this was her job.

She knocked and was bid enter in that eternally cheerful chime. Spectra was so upbeat. Star didn't know how she did it. When the world was such a cold place, how did she stay positive?

Star hugged herself for comfort as she gingerly lowered herself to the edge of the provided chair. It wouldn't do to take too many liberties. She didn't want to be selfish.

"What brings you back, dear? Were you not able to work things out with your boyfriend?"

After a couple false stars, Star finally managed a small, "No."

"That's such a shame, dear. But you know what they say, 'first loves aren't your last'. I'm sure your ex will move on in time and find someone better."

Star nodded around the hollow pit that used to be her heart. Yes. Kwan would find someone better. Someone deserving of his attention. Someone who wouldn't mistreat him.

"Now, you just have to work on yourself. Recognizing the problem is half way to fixing it. You just need to cut out the worst parts."

Worst parts? How could there be 'worse' parts when the problem was who she was?

"Don't lose hope: just because you broke one of your toys doesn't mean you break everything you touch."

She found herself outside the office again and barely even noticed. Toys? Broken? Kwan was a toy? She had broken him?

She felt something break in herself and wandered to the bleachers. She didn't have her jacket but it didn't matter. How could it matter? She hugged herself to shield herself from the cold just as much as she was trying to hold herself together.

Was that it? She had just used Kwan like a toy and _broke_ him? She had-

She broke everything she touched. If she didn't, she certainly didn't help. She never helped Paulina feel better. She never made Dash feel ok about being gay. She didn't help anyone.

She had certainly never helped Jake.

Was it- Was it because of her. Did she break him? Was that her fault, too? Did she break him just as much as Shauna? Was she part of the problem?

Star didn't know how she found herself at the office supply store, but looking at the bright red sharpie in hand, she knew she needed it. She need to mark the truth. Thanking herself for not leaving behind her wallet in her haze this morning, she took the marker home.

It wasn't enough. None of it was enough.

Nearly possessed, she slid the front mirror over and pulled off the red cap with a small 'pop'.

She started with the basics of what was wrong with her. She wrote the problems and drew the arrows before moving on to the less physical problems. How she broke everyone. How she was so selfish. How self centered. How arrogant. Self important. Undeserving. Overstated. Pompous.

Deceitful.

She took the red and painted her bad parts to exaggerate them too. She took the marker to her eyes and scribbled again and again and again. So blind. She was so fucking blind. She just didn't know anything! What kind of monster was she that she convinced herself she was some kind of perfect being!? So stupid. Stupid! Stupid! Hateful! Deceitful! Monster!

She paused in her frenzy.

Monster. That's what she was. Monster. She wrote the word with the now flattened tip. Monster. Not dark enough. Monster. She wrote it again. Monster. She pulled out the black. Monster. Red. Monster. Black. Monster. Red. Black. Red. Black. Red Black Red BlackRedBlackREDBLACKREDBLACK

NOT ENOUGH!

She scratched furiously all around the word trying to make it bolder and sharper. It wasn't enough. It could never be true enough.

She _broke_ people.

She broke Jake and she broke Kwan and she only hoped it wasn't too late for Paulina and Dash. She broke _everything_.

Out of steam, she stepped back with the ruined markers loosely dangling in her grip. The mirror was covered and screamed loud enough for every word she wouldn't say out loud. This was what she was. This was the monster.

She didn't care that the markers might stain her carpet as they fell from her grip. She didn't care that she was supposed to be at school. She didn't care.

An indeterminate amount of time later, she picked up the sharpies, capped them, and put them mechanically on the desk. She covered up the mirror and went to pull out her homework. She could at least do something right. Well, she could at least try.

Where was her backpack? She looked around before mentally retracing her steps. She took it to school, right? But where was it now. Did she have it at the store? No, she didn't think she did. It must still be at school. Now she couldn't even _try_ to do her work. How worthless.

Resigning herself to the waste of space that she was, she put on the 'sad' playlist she had started compiling yesterday. She couldn't face her parents. There was nothing worth showing them.

She didn't have the energy to search for new songs. She didn't have the energy to do anything.

The day passed in a haze and uneasy dreams made for a restless night. She felt like she hadn't slept at all when her alarm went off.

She didn't go to school.

Star didn't do much of anything.

Her stomach contracted and she dazedly wondered when she'd last eaten. Had she had breakfast before she went to school yesterday? She didn't remember.

She wasn't worth it.

She sat on the floor in front of her mirror and doodled on the 'truth' side. Just little bits and pieces. Small daggers aimed at her knees. Bow and arrows aimed higher. Black vines of red flowers framed the bottom - she wasn't much of an artist.

She stared at the flowers and remembered her very first time drawing on a mirror. She located **Deceitful** , pushed up to her knees, and carefully drew a small flower. Just like that first one. The mask that was all Kwan saw. The lie.

She moved back and looked at the 'good' mirror. The one her parents would see. She looked at the pretty pink lie and let herself yearn. She had just wanted to be good enough for him. Deserving of the adoration he piled on her. but that wasn't right.

The whole relationship wasn't right.

It wasn't supposed to work that way. She was taking advantage of him. Over and over. She broke him.

Star cried the few tears she had left before sitting in a daze.

How long was it? Star didn't know. She couldn't tell and she didn't care. She was a monster. Just a sick, twisted monster. What a monster!

She picked herself up and almost banged on the mirror. No. Shattering the truth wouldn't erase it. She needed it to be there. She needed the proof of what she was.

It was crushing her. The guilt, the lies, the pain she had caused; she wondered if Jake had felt this crushed.

Jake.

Her attention snapped to the vanity. Jake had tried to forget. Jake had left her something to help her forget. She could forget everything. She didn't have to feel the pain. (She deserved the pain.)

She could run away and forget.

The wooden drawer grated as she pulled it open. The small octagonal tin was cold, the lid lifted off without fanfare, and the bag crinkled as she removed it from its small prison.

She could forget.

Star considered the bag in her hand. She didn't know how to take drugs. You were supposed to snort it, right? She didn't even know what drug this was. Should she eat it? You should only take a little, right? How much was this? How much of it was 'a little'?

She poured a small amount onto the vanity before replacing the bag. It was just a little, right? Would this be enough to forget?

Star didn't want to take the drugs. She didn't want any of this to be true.

But it was.

Star looked at the pretty pink lie on her mirror and allowed herself a moment of weakness. If it wasn't a lie... If it could possibly be true...

She dialed by heart and waited. One Ring. Two R-

"Star? Is that you? Are you ok? You didn't come to school today."

Star felt relief followed by guilt at the hope and concern in his gentle voice. How could she ever have thought she deserved this?

But, if it was real...

"Star?" he tried prompting.

"Help me."

She put the phone down and thought she heard him yelling her name on the far end. How self deluded. Thinking she was that important. She walked trance like to her computer and played their song.

If it were real, maybe he would be here. Maybe. Maybe she could have a nice dream where he loved her and she wasn't a monster. She stared at the black and red figure that overlaid her image. Maybe in her dream, that didn't have to be real either.

How much had it taken for Jake to fall asleep?

Star was sure she wasn't taking that much. Had Jake given her enough? She didn't know. She sat at her vanity and stared at the small pile of white powder. How was she supposed to do this. They did something with credit cards in the movies, right? And snorting with hundred dollar bills.

She was pretty sure that was it.

Star thought she heard Kwan calling her name and closed her eyes. What a sweat dream. Pulling out her wallet, she give a cringe of disgust. She'd been wearing the same clothes all night. She pulled out her ATM card and started tapping the white powder. That's what they did, right? She didn't have any hundreds, but any bill would work, right?

She heard a distant crash and imagined it was Kwan bursting in the front door and running up the stairs to save her. It was such a nice dream. She could almost hear him thumping up the stairs.

"Star!" he called and the door to her room was thrown open.

It wasn't a dream.

She stared in shock and awe at his heaving chest and the strong arms holding the door open. She looked up and up into his gorgeous eyes filled with concern and desperation. It was Kwan. He was really here.

She choked out half a sob before launching herself at him, her tears no longer silent. Oh god, he was here. He was real and he came to save her.

They collapsed in the middle of her room as she tried to burrow into his chest. She heard their song playing from her computer and glanced out only to have her eyes lock on the images she'd conjured on the mirrors. The red and black monster mocked her while the pastels shone in quiet defiance.

Star looked at the Monster and hoped to every power she did and didn't know that _that_ was the lie.

Oh god, _please_ let the pretty pink lie be the truth.

Star didn't think she could take it if it wasn't.

. . . .

Songs:

Daniel Powter - Bad Day

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

Episode: My Brother's Keeper


End file.
